Rules for arguing
A few agreements a couple makes in calm times, which apply when things are not calm.
What they’re for
In the middle of an argument nobody is able to set rules. So they are set beforehand — and that is exactly why they work.
Suggested agreements
- A pause on request. Either of us can ask for one; the other respects it without negotiation.
- A pause has an end. When asking, we say the time we’ll come back — otherwise it becomes a withdrawal.
- One topic at a time. No lists from the past.
- No »always« and »never«, and no contempt.
- Repair counts. Agree a signal that means: I don’t want this to go further.
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See also
Decision matrix
A simple table that turns going round in circles into a visible comparison — including the cost of not deciding.
Family screen agreement
Rules about screens that the family sets together and that apply to the adults too.
The feelings wheel
A list of feelings in three rings — from four basic ones to precise shades, so you find the right word.
