Sentences for setting boundaries
Sentence patterns that state a boundary without apologising and without attacking.
When to use them
When you know where your boundary is but run out of words — or when every attempt ends in an argument, or in your giving way.
The structure
A boundary has three parts: what I notice, what I need, what I will do. The last part is what separates a boundary from a request.
- I notice the conversation is getting heated. — I need a pause. — I’ll carry on in half an hour.
- I can’t manage it this week. — no explanation; an explanation is an invitation to negotiate.
- I’m glad to help you, just not today. — refusing a request isn’t refusing the person.
- I’m not going to talk about that. — a boundary may also be a topic, not only an action.
What to expect
The first time you set a boundary with someone used to you not setting one, they will almost certainly push harder. That isn’t a sign that you did it wrong — it is a sign that the balance has shifted.
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See also
Expectations table
Each partner writes down their expectations about roles, money and time — then you compare them.
Warning signs in a relationship
A list of behaviours that are not a matter of taste but a reason for caution.
Questions before a big decision
Seven questions to think through before deciding on something that changes your life.
