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The four horsemen

Four ways of communicating which, in Gottman's research, most strongly predict a relationship breaking down: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Term

How it shows up in daily life

Criticism attacks the person instead of the behaviour (»you always …«). Contempt adds disdain — eye-rolling, mockery; it is the most predictive of all. Defensiveness returns the blame. Stonewalling means one person shuts down and disconnects.

What we do with it in therapy

Each horseman has an antidote: a complaint instead of criticism, respect and appreciation instead of contempt, taking a share of responsibility instead of defending, and an agreed pause instead of stonewalling. With a couple this is practised live, not on paper.

Read more

Preberi več na blogu

The Four Horsemen in relationships: Gottman's predictors of a breakup 10 min branja How we argue safely in couples therapy, and why arguing is allowed at all 12 min branja

See also

Separation anxiety Distress on being separated from someone close — developmentally expected in a child, a sign of insecure attachment in an adult. Assertiveness A way of expressing yourself that takes account of your needs and the other person's dignity at once. Cognitive dissonance The discomfort of holding two beliefs or actions that don't add up.

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