How to support a friend in an abusive relationship: what helps and what doesn't

You are sitting in a café, as you have a hundred times before. During the conversation her phone buzzes three times in a row, and each time she checks it before replying. “Sorry, just so he knows where I am,” she says, with a smile that comes a little too quickly. Then, almost in passing, she adds: “It’s not that bad. He just gets angry sometimes. But that’s because he’s under a lot of stress at the moment.”

And you remember that she wasn’t at the last birthday party. That she stopped coming to the gym. That in winter she wears long sleeves even in a heated room. Something inside you tightens.

This post is for the people on the other side of the table. For the friends, sisters and colleagues who suspect or know that someone close to them is living in an abusive relationship — and who don’t know what to do without making things worse. One thing needs saying right at the start: I am not a specialist in domestic abuse, and this post is not a tool for judging how dangerous a situation is. The specialist services listed below know how to do that. What I can share is what research says about the role of the people close to someone, and where things often go wrong.

If she is in danger right now

Before anything else: if your friend or anyone else is in immediate danger, call the police on 113 or emergency services on 112 (in Slovenia). This is not a betrayal of trust. It is a response to danger.

For everything else — for a conversation, for advice, for finding out what you can do and what she can do — there is the SOS helpline for women and children who are victims of violence: 080 11 55 (in Slovenia). You can call as a friend, not only as the person experiencing the abuse. If your own distress overwhelms you along the way, the Klic v duševni stiski crisis line, 01 520 99 00 (in Slovenia), is available at night (from 7 pm to 7 am), and the Samaritans helpline 116 123 (in Slovenia) is open around the clock. I have gathered more about where you can turn in Slovenia in the post Where to get help with abuse in Slovenia: a map for the first step.

Why she tells you, of all people

Violence in intimate relationships is not rare. In a large survey by the European Union Agency for Fundamental Rights, involving 42,000 women from every member state, 22 per cent of women reported having experienced physical or sexual violence from a partner since the age of 15. Considerably more had experienced psychological abuse from a partner. That means almost every one of us knows someone who is living through this or has lived through it — even if we don’t know it.

And when someone speaks about it for the first time, they usually don’t go to the police or to a professional first. A review of the research by Sylaska and Edwards found that most people experiencing abuse first tell someone from their informal circle — a friend, a sister, a mother, a colleague. It also found something hard to hear: the way this first listener responds affects whether the person will seek help anywhere else. A response that blames or pressures can close the conversation for a long time.

That is why your role matters. Not because you have to solve the situation. But because you may be the first to hear. And what you hear, and how you take it in, is part of the road that still lies ahead of her.

What helps her in that moment

When someone tells you something like this, a lot wakes up in you at once: fear for her, anger at him, helplessness, sometimes even anger at her because she “doesn’t see it”. All of this is understandable. But in that moment it is not the time for your feelings — it is the time for her sense of being heard.

Research on how people close to someone respond agrees fairly well on what helps. It helps when you believe her — without checking whether it is really that bad, and without “but he’s always so nice”. It helps when you say clearly that it is not her fault. People in abusive relationships often believe for a long time that they brought it on themselves; I wrote about how deeply that feeling takes root in the post Self-image after abuse: when you believe it was your fault. And it helps when she feels that your relationship with her won’t change, whatever she decides.

It also helps if you don’t interrupt. If you can bear the silence. If you don’t rush in with advice. And if, at the end, you ask: “What would help you now?” — instead of telling her what she ought to do.

Why “Why don’t you leave him?” doesn’t help

This is the question almost everyone asks first. And it is understandable — from the outside the solution looks simple. But to people in an abusive relationship the question sounds like an accusation: as if the problem were her, for staying, and not him, for being violent.

There are many reasons people stay, and they are often very practical: fear of what he will do if she leaves; the children; money he controls; the flat; shame in front of others; hope that he will change because he used to be different. And one finding that researchers of domestic abuse have repeated for decades: the period of leaving is often the period when the danger increases. So leaving is not simply an act of courage, but a decision that needs planning — ideally with the help of people who know how. More on this in the post Why victims go back to an abusive partner — and what holds them.

Instead of “why don’t you leave him”, you might ask: “What worries you when you think about what would come next?” That question opens a space. The first one closes it.

Don’t decide for her

Abuse in a relationship is not only a blow. It is a pattern of control: over whom she sees, where she goes, how much money she has, what she wears, whom she messages. This pattern is briefly described in the knowledge base under violence in a relationship. It is often accompanied by her starting to doubt her own judgement — the concept for that is gaslighting.

When, in this situation, you start telling her what she must do, you unintentionally repeat the same pattern: someone else once again knows better what is good for her. Even if you are right, even if in her shoes you would have left long ago. Judith Herman, who wrote one of the foundational books on trauma, wrote that the core principle of recovery is giving power and control back to the person from whom they were taken. That applies to friendship too.

This doesn’t mean you stay silent. You can say that you are worried. You can say what you see: “I notice you don’t laugh the way you used to.” You can say that the way he treats her isn’t right. But the decision about what she does with it remains hers. The exception is immediate danger — I write about that below.

How it might sound

This is how a conversation between two friends might go a few days after that afternoon in the café (a composite, not a real person):

“I’ve been thinking all week about what you said. I’m worried about you.”
“Oh, I told you it’s not that bad. I was exaggerating.”
“Maybe. But if it’s ever not OK, you can tell me. I won’t tell you what you have to do.”
Silence. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Maybe not all of it. But I’ll believe you.”
“… Sometimes I’m scared when he comes home.”
“Thank you for telling me. It’s not your fault. Would it help if we looked together at who you could call, just to talk?”

The friend in this conversation doesn’t solve anything. She doesn’t persuade her to leave. But she does something that may matter more: she becomes someone it is safe to tell. And next time, her friend will probably say more.

Safety first: what you can do in practice

Because abuse is often accompanied by control over phones and contacts, it is good to make sure your help doesn’t create new danger. A few practical things that specialist organisations recommend:

• Don’t confront the partner. Even if he makes you angry. A confrontation can make things worse for her at home when you are not there.
• Be careful with messages. Don’t write anything he might read. Ask her how and when it is safe to message her.
• Nothing on social media. Not even hints, not even “we all know what’s going on”.
• Offer something concrete. “You can stay at mine sometimes.” “I can keep your documents or a spare set of keys.” “We can go and talk to someone together.”
• Agree on a signal. Some people agree with those close to them on a word or a message that means “call the police”.

Specialists call arrangements like these a safety plan, and they put it together with the person who is experiencing the abuse. Don’t put one together on her behalf — but you can help her reach the people who know how.

When she goes back to him

This is the moment that breaks the people around her most. You helped her find somewhere to sleep, you listened to her for hours, and a few weeks later she is back with him. The feeling that all your effort was for nothing is strong. So is the urge to say: “Then let someone else help you.”

But isolation is one of the main tools of abuse. A person who exercises control often slowly cuts his partner off from friends and family — with jealousy, with rows after every meet-up, with small remarks about how “your friends are a bad influence”. If you withdraw, you unintentionally help him finish that work. And the next time she needs someone, there will be no one.

Going back also has a deeper reason, one that is hard to understand from the outside: the person who frightens her is also the person she is attached to. When the source of comfort and the source of fear are the same person, attachment doesn’t end with a single decision. I wrote about how this works in the post Disorganised attachment: when the same person is a source of comfort and a source of fear — although that post is mainly about childhood, the mechanism is related.

Research supports this experience: Ann Coker and colleagues found that women who were experiencing partner violence and had more social support had fewer mental health difficulties than those with less support. Support doesn’t stop the abuse. But it softens part of the harm and keeps the door open.

Staying in touch doesn’t mean you approve of her decision. It means you stay. You can say: “I don’t understand your decision, but I respect that it’s yours. I’m here.”

Exercise: before you speak

If you are thinking about raising it with your friend, take half an hour for yourself before you do. This preparation is for you, not for assessing her situation.

1. Write down what you have noticed. Concretely and without interpretation: “She hasn’t come to the last three get-togethers.” “She replied to messages four times during coffee.” Observations are easier to hear than conclusions.
2. Write down what you feel. Fear, anger, helplessness? Once you name them on paper, you are less likely to pour them out on her.
3. Choose one opening sentence. For example: “I’m worried about you and I’d like to know how you are.” No “why”, and not the word “abuse” if she doesn’t use it herself.
4. Prepare two sentences for her answer. One in case she tells you: “I believe you. It’s not your fault.” One in case she denies it: “OK. If it’s ever different, I’m here.”
5. Save the number 080 11 55 (in Slovenia) and find out where your nearest social work centre is. Not so that you can push them on her, but so that you have them if she asks.

You have limits too

Being beside someone in an abusive relationship can wear you out easily. Worry wakes you at night, every missed message sets off fear, every time she goes back to him makes you angry. That isn’t weakness. It is the price of caring.

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean abandoning her. It means knowing what you can’t manage: perhaps you can’t be available every night, perhaps you can’t listen to details that then replay in your head. You can say so. And you can find support for yourself — the SOS helpline is there for you too, and so is talking to a professional. Much of what I wrote in the post How to support someone with depression without wearing yourself out applies here as well: you can’t carry her if you collapse yourself.

This picture isn’t a ranking of importance. It is a division of tasks. You can’t assess how dangerous her partner is, and you can’t protect her from him. But you can be a bridge to those who know how.

Where this advice does not apply

Everything I have written about the decision remaining hers has limits. And those limits matter.

When a life is at stake. If you hear or see that she is in immediate danger — death threats, weapons, strangulation, injuries — you don’t wait for her permission. You call 113. Respecting her decisions doesn’t mean standing by while something terrible happens.

When children are involved. If you know that children are witnessing abuse or experiencing it themselves, that is something you can take to a social work centre or the police. Children who “only” watch abuse are experiencing it too.

When you are not safe. If her partner threatens or harasses you, look after yourself first. Your safety matters no less.

When couples therapy is suggested. Sometimes people close to the couple suggest they “go to a therapist together and sort it out”. When there is abuse in a relationship, couples therapy is not an appropriate form of help: it can put her in danger when she gets home after saying what she said in the room, and it silently implies that both are responsible for the violence. Help for the person experiencing abuse and work with the person using it take place separately.

When you think you know what’s going on. Sometimes we get it wrong. All we see from the outside are fragments. That is why it is good to start with a question and an observation, not with a diagnosis of the relationship. And that is exactly why this post is not a list of signs for judging what is happening in someone else’s home.

What to remember

• In immediate danger, call 113 or 112; for a conversation and advice — for you too — there is the SOS helpline 080 11 55 (in Slovenia).
• Most people first tell someone close about abuse — and your response affects whether she will keep looking for help.
• “I believe you” and “it’s not your fault” help; “why don’t you leave him” closes the conversation.
• Don’t decide for her and don’t confront him — stay in touch, even when she goes back.
• Risk assessment and safety planning are the job of specialist services; you can be the bridge to them.