Where to get help with abuse in Slovenia: a map for the first step

“He didn’t hit me. He just locked the door and took my phone. I don’t know if that’s enough to even call.”

People who work on helplines hear that sentence — or one very like it — often. Behind it sits a question that holds a person back for longer than fear itself: is what’s happening to me bad enough? Do I have the right to take up someone’s time? Am I exaggerating? Will they ask why I didn’t leave sooner?

This piece is not a test to tell you whether your relationship is abusive, and it is not an assessment of how dangerous it is. No online article can do that — it is something worked out in conversation with a person who knows your circumstances. It is a map: who in Slovenia offers what kind of help, what you can expect when you reach out, and which door is the right one for which moment. But first, the most important thing: if you or anyone near you is in danger right now, call 112, or the police on 113 (in Slovenia). Everything else can wait.

Help is not a reward for those who have already left

One of the most stubborn ideas about abuse is that help is meant for people who have already made up their minds. As if you first have to pack a suitcase, and only then are you allowed to call. In reality, many people who reach out are still in the relationship. Some are simply looking for someone to confirm that what they are living through is not normal. Others want to know what options they have before they decide anything. Others again will not leave — at least not soon — but need a plan for staying as safe as possible.

All of these are legitimate reasons to call. Nobody on a helpline expects you to arrive with a decision ready. They expect you to say what you can.

Violence in intimate relationships is not rare. In 2021 the World Health Organization published an estimate that around 26 per cent of women who have ever been in a relationship have experienced physical or sexual violence from a partner at least once in their lives. That figure does not even include psychological and economic abuse, which is often the first form and the longest-lasting. Men experience abuse too, as do people in same-sex relationships and older people. Most of the doors I describe below are open to everyone; some are meant specifically for women and children, and I say so where that is the case.

The researcher Belle Liang and her colleagues described help-seeking in abusive relationships not as a single step but as a path with three junctions: first you have to recognise that it is abuse, then decide that you are allowed to ask for help, and only then choose whom to ask. You can get stuck at any of these points — and you can return to each of them more than once. That is not failure. It is simply how the path is built.

What actually counts as abuse

Slovenia’s Domestic Violence Prevention Act does not reduce violence to blows. Alongside physical violence, it defines sexual, psychological and economic violence, and neglect. Under the act, psychological violence means behaviour through which someone causes another person fear, humiliation, a sense of inferiority and of being under threat. Economic violence is unjustified control or restriction of someone’s access to money. So the locked door and the confiscated phone from the opening line are not “just” anything.

You will find a short explanation of how abuse in a relationship differs from an argument in the knowledge base under violence in a relationship; the entry on manipulation helps too, because manipulation is often exactly why a person stops trusting their own judgement. The key difference lies in control and fear: in an argument, two people clash; in abuse, one of them lives in a way designed not to make the other angry.

If, as you read this, you are followed by the thought that you deserved it or provoked it, it helps to know that this thought is one of the most common consequences of abuse, not proof of guilt. I have written more about it in Self-image after abuse: when you believe it was your fault.

When it’s dangerous now: 112 and 113

When the danger is immediate — someone is threatening you, things are escalating, you are injured, or you are afraid of what the next hour will bring — the right number is 112, or 113 for the police (in Slovenia). You do not have to wait for something worse to happen. The police are not only there for acts already committed, but also for prevention.

When there is violence, the police can issue the person causing it with a restraining order, keeping them away from you or from the place where you live. Domestic violence is a criminal offence in Slovenia, which means the police act even when you, in that moment, do not have the strength to report anything.

If you are hurt, go to a doctor or to an emergency clinic, even if the injury seems minor. The doctor will record it, and that record can help later in any proceedings — whether you decide on them now or a year from now.

When you need to talk: three phone lines

Most people do not start with the police, but with a conversation. That is what phone lines are for: you do not have to give your name, and you can hang up whenever you like.

• SOS helpline for women and children victims of violence, 080 11 55 (in Slovenia). A free number, specialising in exactly this. It is run by the association Društvo SOS telefon za ženske in otroke – žrtve nasilja. Here you can get information about safe accommodation, about what to do next, and a conversation with someone who knows abuse from close up.
• Klic v duševni stiski (mental distress line), 01 520 99 00 (in Slovenia), every day from 7 pm to 7 am. It does not specialise in abuse, but it is there at night, which is often when things are hardest.
• Samarijan confidential helpline, 116 123 (in Slovenia), 24 hours. For moments when you need a voice on the other end, whatever the hour.

If, alongside all this, you have thoughts that it would be easier if you weren’t here, the last two lines are right for that too. I have written about such thoughts in When you think it would be better if you weren’t here.

What happens when you call

Many people put off the first call because they cannot picture how it will go. They fear they will have to tell everything at once, that someone will interrogate them, or that the call will set off a process they cannot stop. A conversation on a helpline is usually much simpler. Someone listens, asks what they need to in order to understand whether you are safe right now, and helps you think about the next step. The decisions stay yours.

It might begin like this (a composite, not a real person):

“Good evening. I don’t know if I’ve called the right place. Nothing terrible is happening, I mean … he hasn’t beaten me.”
“You’ve called the right place. Tell me whatever you want to. Are you safe at the moment?”
“Right now, yes. He’s at work. It’s just … I don’t know any more whether I’m the one who’s mad.”
“I hear that question often. Describe one incident that you can’t get out of your head. Then we’ll look together at what options you have — even if you don’t decide anything today.”

The last part matters: even if you don’t decide anything today. The first call is not a signature. It is information. Plenty of people call several times before they take the next step, and that is entirely fine.

If your partner checks your phone, think about which device you will call from and what it leaves behind. There is more on how to prepare so that a call does not increase the risk in A safety plan for abuse: what it is and how to put one together.

The official route: police, social work centre, doctor, court

Alongside the phone lines there is an official system, with powers that non-governmental organisations do not have. The social work centre (center za socialno delo) has professionals who deal with violence and can draw up a plan of help with you — what you need, what the children need, where you will live. A doctor records injuries and can refer you on. The court can, under the law, impose measures that protect you and your children, and if you cannot afford it, you can apply for free legal aid.

This route takes more steps, more paperwork and more patience than anyone would wish. I describe it in more detail, step by step, in The institutional path after violence: police, social work centre, courts. Here I will say only what is most often forgotten in a crisis: you do not have to walk this route alone. Counsellors at the associations often know how the system works from the inside and can help you prepare what to say and what to bring.

Associations, counselling services and safe houses

Several non-governmental organisations in Slovenia work with abuse. They offer counselling, support groups, accompaniment to the police or to court, and safe accommodation. Društvo SOS telefon za ženske in otroke – žrtve nasilja runs the 080 11 55 line, while Društvo za nenasilno komunikacijo (the Association for Non-Violent Communication) works both with people who have experienced violence and with those who use it. There are other organisations too; the easiest way to find them is to ask on one of the helplines what is available where you live.

Safe houses are accommodation with a secret address for women and children whose safety is under threat. Access usually goes through a helpline or the social work centre. Mothers’ homes are intended for mothers with children in difficulty and are often the next step once the immediate danger has passed.

For men who experience abuse there are fewer specialised services. But the police, the social work centre, Samarijan and the mental distress line remain — and each of them has a duty to take a man seriously when he says he is afraid at home.

Exercise: preparing for the first call

If you have been thinking about calling for a while, but the call keeps slipping away, a short bit of preparation can help. You can do it today, in five minutes, when you are alone.

1. Choose a moment and a device. Think about when you are certain to be alone and which phone you can call from without anyone seeing. If there is none, it could be a friend’s or a colleague’s phone.
2. Prepare one sentence. You do not have to tell everything. This is enough: “I don’t know whether this is abuse, and I’d like to talk about it.”
3. Bring one incident to mind. Choose one that you cannot get out of your head. It does not have to be the worst — it only has to be real.
4. Note down one question. What would you like to find out? For example: “What can I do if I stay?” or “Where do the children go if I leave?”
5. Give yourself permission to hang up. Before you call, tell yourself: I can hang up at any point, and I can call again. The call is not a commitment, it is an attempt.

When you decide where to keep your question, think about whether anyone could find it. Sometimes the safest place is your own head.

Where therapy belongs — and where it doesn’t

Psychotherapy has an important role when there has been abuse, but not the first one. When a person is still in danger, they first need safety, information and people who know how to act. The difference is similar to the one between first aid and treatment, which I described in First aid is not therapy: crisis support and the therapeutic process.

Once safety is at least partly in place, there is time for what abuse leaves behind in a person: fear that flares at every louder sound, shame, a lack of trust in yourself, a body that is permanently on alert. Judith Herman wrote that recovery from trauma happens in stages, and that the first is always establishing safety. Only then comes working through memories, and finally reconnecting with people. I have written about how trauma stays in the body in How trauma stays written in the body, and you will find a shorter explanation under the knowledge base entry trauma.

One thing needs to be clear: couples therapy is not an appropriate form of help where there is abuse. When one person in a relationship lives in fear, they cannot speak openly in a session, and what they do say may be paid for at home. Joint work also implies that both are responsible for the violence, which is not true. If someone has suggested you sort out abuse in couples therapy, you can first talk it over with one of the helplines above.

I am a therapist in training under supervision in marriage and family therapy, and I am not a specialist in working with abuse. When abuse comes to light in individual therapy, my first task is to look together at where you are safe and who can support you — not to open up the depths before the ground is firm. You may also want to know what stays between therapist and client and where the limits of confidentiality lie; that is covered in Confidentiality in therapy: what stays between us and where the limits are. One of those limits is clear: where violence against a child is suspected, professionals have a duty to inform the relevant authorities.

When this map is not enough

Maps are tidy; reality is messier. It would not be honest to claim that every door I have listed will always work as it should.

Sometimes the first contact goes badly. Someone does not believe you, the response is cold, the process drags. Then it is tempting to conclude: “I knew there was no point.” Research on help-seeking shows exactly this — a bad first experience often means a person does not try again for a long time. If that has happened to you, it does not mean there is no help. It means that particular door was shut. Try another.

Sometimes contact with an institution increases the risk. If the person causing harm finds out you have sought help, the violence can escalate. That is why, before bigger steps — reporting, leaving, a first meeting at the social work centre — it makes sense to talk with someone about how to stay safe in the meantime. That too is part of help, not an obstacle to it.

And sometimes the system is not adapted to your situation: if you are a man, older, without settled residency, do not speak Slovene or are in a same-sex relationship, you may meet with less understanding. That is a shortcoming of the system, not yours. Ask who would be the right contact for you, and persist. The road to longer-term psychological help is not always simple either; I have described how it works in Referral, waiting list or self-funded: how you actually get help here.

What to remember

• If it is dangerous now, call 112 or the police on 113 (in Slovenia). You do not have to wait for something worse to happen.
• To talk, there is the SOS helpline 080 11 55, the mental distress line 01 520 99 00 (7 pm – 7 am) and Samarijan 116 123 (24 hours), all in Slovenia.
• Help is not only for people who have already left. You can call even if you don’t know whether it is “bad enough”, and even if you have no plans to leave.
• Couples therapy is not an appropriate form of help where there is abuse. Individual support comes once safety is at least partly in place.
• If one door stays shut, help still exists. Try another.