Early signs: how to recognise an abusive relationship at the start

“Three weeks in, he told me I was the love of his life. That he’d never felt anything like it. And then, just in passing, that he didn’t like me going for drinks with my colleagues on Friday. But that’s only because he loves me so much, right?”

The start of a relationship is the time when we are least critical. Falling in love fills us with hope, we see the other person in the best possible light, and we translate small oddities into endearing quirks. That is part of how people form attachments — and there is nothing wrong with it. But that is exactly why the beginning is also the time when it is easiest to overlook things we would recognise immediately later on.

Violence in an intimate relationship rarely begins with a blow. Much more often it begins with something that looks a lot like love: intensity, jealousy, a wish for closeness that gradually turns into control. In this post I write about what these early signs look like, why they are so hard to notice from the inside, and what you can do if you think you recognise them.

First of all: this is not a test

Before I begin, something that matters more to me than anything else in this post. What follows is not a questionnaire you can use to judge whether your relationship is dangerous. No list can do that. This post can give you words for something you may already feel — but it cannot judge for you how safe you are.

If you are afraid of your partner, that is reason enough to talk to someone trained to help — however many of the signs on the list you recognise. The SOS helpline for women and children affected by violence is available on 080 11 55 (in Slovenia), and the mental health crisis line Klic v duševni stiski on 01 520 99 00 (in Slovenia, every day from 7 pm to 7 am). If you are in danger right now, call 112 or the police on 113 (in Slovenia).

Why violence doesn’t show at the start

In 2014 the European Union Agency for Fundamental Rights published a large survey in which around 42,000 women from all the then member states took part. Among other things, it showed that 43 per cent of women had experienced some form of psychological violence from a current or former partner — being controlled, humiliated, intimidated, cut off from others. That is far more than had experienced physical violence. And it is exactly these forms that settle into a relationship first.

Evan Stark, who described the concept of coercive control, emphasises that violence in an intimate relationship is not a series of separate outbursts but a pattern that gradually takes away the other person’s freedom — where they are, who they talk to, what they wear, how much money they spend. Each individual step is small and can be explained away. Only together do they build a cage.

That is why it is so hard to see from the inside. Nobody would stay with someone who said on the first date: “From now on I’ll decide who you spend time with.” But almost everyone stays with someone who, three weeks in, says they miss you every moment you’re not together. You’ll find a short explanation of how violence differs from ordinary conflict in the knowledge base under violence in a relationship.

The first sign: a speed that sweeps you off your feet

Most relationships have their own rhythm: getting to know each other, caution, gradually opening up. In relationships that later turn out to be violent, people often describe something else — an intensity that literally sweeps you away. Big declarations of love after a few days. Plans for a life together before you really know each other. Pressure to move in quickly, to meet his parents quickly, to delete the dating apps quickly.

On its own, that isn’t violence. Some people fall in love quickly and powerfully. The difference lies in what happens when you need more time. If your partner accepts your slower pace, the intensity is simply part of their character. If they take it as rejection, sulk, try to talk you round or accuse you of not loving them enough, that is a sign their rhythm matters more than yours.

Lundy Bancroft, who spent many years working in programmes for men who use violence, describes how this early intensity is often experienced as the greatest proof of love. Later, when the relationship changes, people return to it as the “real” partner they are trying to bring back.

The second sign: jealousy that presents itself as care

“I’m jealous because I love you so much.” That sentence is one of the most misleading in any relationship. Jealousy is a human emotion and almost everyone knows it — I wrote about when it is a signal and when it is an old wound in Jealousy in a relationship: when it is a signal and when it is an old wound. You’ll also find a short explanation in the knowledge base under jealousy.

With early signs of violence, it isn’t about the feeling itself but about who bears the consequences. When a partner is jealous and recognises the feeling as their own — says so, talks about it, manages it themselves — that is part of a relationship. But when jealousy becomes the reason they check your phone, ask where you’ve been, reproach you for glancing at the waiter or expect you to give up friends of the opposite sex, they have handed responsibility for their feeling over to you. You have to change your life so that they can feel better.

At first this can even feel flattering. Someone wants to be with you so badly that anyone else bothers them. Later you realise you have started giving things up of your own accord, just to avoid an argument.

The third sign: what happens to your small “no”s

One of the most reliable indicators that professionals mention is how a partner takes your “no” — not over big things, but over small ones. I don’t want to go out tonight. I don’t like that restaurant. I don’t want you texting me while I’m at work. I’d like this evening to myself. I don’t want to have sex yet.

In a respectful relationship, “no” is information. Your partner may be disappointed, but accepts it and the relationship carries on. In a relationship that leans towards control, “no” is the start of a negotiation. Your partner keeps persuading you until you give in. Sulks and goes silent for days. Starts punishing you in ways that are hard to name — coldness, barbed remarks, “forgotten” promises. Or simply ignores the “no”.

With sex this matters even more. Pressure, persuasion, sulking or reproaches when you don’t want to are not part of ordinary differences in desire. They are a sign that in this relationship your body isn’t entirely your own. What boundaries are, and why they aren’t something you first have to justify to someone else, is briefly explained in the knowledge base.

The fourth sign: how they talk about others and where your people go

A lot is also revealed by how a partner talks about people who aren’t in the room — above all, former partners. When every ex is “crazy”, “hysterical” or “ruined his life” and there isn’t a shred of his own responsibility in any of the stories, that is worth noticing. Not because it’s impossible that he really did have hard experiences. But because someone who can’t see their own part in any past relationship probably won’t see it in yours either.

The same goes for how they treat people they need nothing from: waiters, colleagues, other drivers. Contempt and anger that flare up easily around others don’t usually stop at the door of your home. Bancroft points to something else as well: beliefs about what a partner “deserves” or is “entitled to”. When someone believes they are owed something in a relationship, that is often a more reliable sign than any emotion.

Isolation rarely happens by order. Far more often it happens through small frictions. The friend who “doesn’t like him” and “wants to split you up”. The family where there’s “always drama”. The hobbies that mean you’re “never at home”. Your partner may never say you can’t see them — it’s just that every time you do, a tense evening follows. And a few months later you realise it’s easier simply not to see them.

Today this control also takes a digital form: the expectation that you are always reachable, location sharing that is no longer your choice, passwords there’s “no reason to hide”. Each of these is completely voluntary and innocent in some relationships. The difference is whether you could refuse without consequences.

Isolation is dangerous because it takes away the people who could tell you that what is happening isn’t normal. Without them, only your partner’s version of your life is left — and that is where manipulation can begin, the kind that makes you doubt your own judgement.

What is happening inside you meanwhile

Sometimes the early signs are visible in you before they are visible in your partner. People who later look back on the start of a violent relationship often describe similar inner shifts:

• You start rehearsing in advance how you’ll tell him something so that he won’t get angry.
• You explain and excuse his behaviour to friends before they’ve even asked.
• You notice you are tense around him even when everything is fine — as if waiting for it to turn.
• You hide small things because you know they would lead to an argument.
• You increasingly doubt yourself: are you really too sensitive, did you really provoke it, did you really misunderstand?

Some of these reactions may also be part of your own story — for example, if in relationships you generally get frightened quickly that the other person will leave. I wrote about this in Anxious attachment: why a partner’s silence sets off the alarm. But even then it is worth looking at whether your tension comes from the past or from what is happening in the relationship now. Often it is both.

And if you grew up with violence or control, a relationship like this can feel strangely familiar. Not because you want it, but because you know it. Why we choose partners who remind us of our parents explains how that happens.

A short conversation between two friends (composite, not a real person):

“We hardly see you these days.”
“You know how it is when you’re in a new relationship.”
“I know. It’s just … sometimes it seems like you check your phone before you say anything.”
“He doesn’t like it if I don’t reply. But that’s only because he’s worried something’s happened to me.”
“And you? How do you feel when you don’t reply straight away?”
A long pause. “I don’t know. A bit scared. But not that scared. You know what I mean.”

The friend doesn’t say it’s violence. She doesn’t diagnose anything or demand a decision. She just asks how her friend is. And in that question there is room for that “a bit scared” to come out at all.

Where this list doesn’t apply

It would be dishonest not to say where the limits of what I have written lie.

A single sign is not violence. People who fall in love quickly, are occasionally jealous or struggle with rejection are not violent because of it. Each of us has some of these traits, especially in times of stress. What matters is the pattern — and above all whether a partner recognises their reactions as their own and takes responsibility for them.

You don’t come without a story either. If you have been in a violent relationship before, you may see danger where there is none. That isn’t a flaw — it is how the body learns to protect itself. But sometimes it is worth checking with someone who knows you, or with a therapist, so that you don’t throw away a relationship that could be good.

Violence has no gender. Most research looks at men’s violence against women, because it is the most common and most dangerous form. But violence also happens in same-sex relationships and when it is a woman who uses it. The signs described here apply regardless of who shows them.

And finally: fear is enough. You don’t need five signs to seek help. If you are afraid of your partner, that isn’t something you first have to prove — not to them, and not to yourself.

Exercise: a week of noticing

This exercise is meant for the start of a relationship, when there is no fear yet but something feels uncomfortable. If you are already afraid of your partner’s reaction, don’t do it — instead call the SOS helpline (080 11 55 in Slovenia), even just to talk.

1. Choose one small, real “no”. Something you would otherwise do for their sake but don’t want to: a different restaurant, an evening to yourself, time with friends.
2. Say it simply, without long apologies. “I’m going out with colleagues this Friday. See you on Saturday.”
3. Watch the next three days, not just the first minute. What happens to the atmosphere? Are they disappointed and then fine? Or do silence, reproaches, punishment follow?
4. Watch yourself too. Did you rehearse in advance how you’d say it? Did you over-compensate afterwards? Did you feel guilty?
5. Tell someone outside the relationship what you noticed. Not so that they judge the relationship for you, but so that you are not the only one who knows.

If you recognise the signs

If while reading you felt that some of this applies to you, you don’t have to decide anything today. What matters is that you stay connected to people you trust and know where you can turn. An overview of services is in Where to get help with abuse in Slovenia: a map for the first step. If it seems to you that tension, outbursts and periods of tenderness alternate in your relationship, The cycle of violence: tension, explosion and the honeymoon phase may help.

Professionals who work with people affected by violence warn that the period of leaving a violent relationship can be particularly risky. So it is good to plan leaving — if you decide to — with the help of someone experienced in it, not alone. And when you decide, know that ending such a relationship is not a failure — more on that in A breakup is not a failure: when ending a relationship is the healthiest choice.

As a therapist in training in marriage and family therapy, I am not a specialist in working with violence. But I can be someone you talk to about what you are noticing in your relationship, and who helps you find your way to services trained for this. I also work with English-speaking clients. And if the violent relationship is over but traces remain — self-doubt, a sense of guilt — that is work we can do together. I described how that guilt takes root in Self-image after abuse: when you believe it was your fault.

What to remember

• Violence rarely begins with a blow. More often it begins with intensity, jealousy and isolation that look a lot like love.
• The most reliable early indicator is what happens to your “no” — over small things, not big ones.
• A single sign is not violence; what matters is the pattern and whether your partner takes responsibility for their reactions.
• This post is not a danger test. If you are afraid of your partner, that is enough to seek help.
• To talk (in Slovenia): SOS helpline 080 11 55, Klic v duševni stiski 01 520 99 00. In danger: 112 or 113.