When a child is violent towards a parent: the violence parents keep quiet about

“He just had a bad day. You know what they’re like at fifteen.”

That is what Maja told a colleague the next morning, when she asked why Maja looked so pale. What she didn’t say was what had happened the night before. That at eleven in the evening she had taken her son’s phone, as they had agreed. That he had shouted and punched the door, ten centimetres from her head. That she had locked herself in the bathroom and sat there for half an hour, her heart in her throat, listening to him smash things around the flat. That in the morning he came to breakfast as if nothing had happened.

She didn’t tell anyone, because she didn’t know how. How do you say that you are afraid of your own child? Who will believe that you are frightened of someone you gave birth to, someone you love and are responsible for? And isn’t it, in the end, your fault — what did you do wrong to make him like this?

Children’s violence towards their parents is rarely talked about. Perhaps less than any other form of family violence. This piece is not meant to condemn anyone — neither the child nor the parent. It is meant to give a name to what happens behind closed doors. Because what has a name can also get help.

The violence parents don’t talk about

When we think of family violence, we think of a partner who intimidates the other, or a parent who hits a child. That the parent might be the one who is afraid seems almost impossible to us. A parent is an adult, stronger, responsible. They have authority. At least, that is what the picture in our heads says.

But with a teenager who has grown taller than his mother, or a child who has learned that outbursts get him what he wants, that picture no longer matches reality. A parent experiencing violence from their own child finds themselves in an impossible position. They cannot leave, as they might leave an abusive relationship, because the child is their responsibility. They cannot report it, because they are afraid of branding their child a criminal. And they cannot talk about it, because that would mean admitting they have “failed” as a parent.

Amanda Holt, who researches this area, describes exactly this: parents stay silent about their children’s violence for longer than victims of almost any other form of family violence. Shame and fear of the consequences for the child are often stronger than fear for their own safety.

What it is — and what it isn’t

Every child gets angry sometimes. Toddlers hit, kick and bite, because they don’t yet know any other way to express distress. Teenagers slam doors and say things they later regret. That is not violence towards a parent in the sense I am talking about here. It is part of development — sometimes exhausting, but ordinary. How a child’s anger develops and what they need from an adult is described in the knowledge base under a child’s anger.

In 2001, the Canadian researcher Barbara Cottrell defined parent abuse as any act by a child intended to cause physical, psychological or financial harm to a parent in order to gain power and control over them. The key words are power, control and pattern. It is not about one outburst, but about repeated behaviour that makes a parent start adjusting their life: they no longer say no, because they know what follows. They walk on eggshells. They hide money, car keys, knives. They stop inviting anyone home.

Like other forms of family violence, a child’s violence towards a parent takes several forms:

• Physical — hitting, pushing, throwing objects, smashing things in a way that intimidates the parent.
• Psychological — insults, humiliation, threats (including threats of self-harm or suicide when they are used for control), intimidation.
• Financial — stealing money or belongings, extorting purchases, debts the parent has to pay off.

The most reliable sign that this is violence and not just a difficult phase is not how loud it gets. It is whether the parent is afraid of their child.

What we know

The subject first appeared clearly in the professional literature in 1979, when the psychiatrists Henry Harbin and Dennis Madden published a paper with a title that would be hard to repeat today: “Battered parents: a new syndrome”. Since then, research has slowly grown. When Simmons and colleagues reviewed six decades of research in 2018, they found that the field still lacks a shared definition, so estimates of how often this violence happens vary greatly between studies. For that reason I won’t quote a precise figure that would apply everywhere.

Some findings, however, recur often enough to be trusted:

• Mothers are the most frequent victims — and often mothers raising children on their own.
• The violence comes from both sons and daughters; the differences lie more in its form than in how often it occurs.
• It occurs across all social backgrounds, including families where everything looks orderly from the outside.
• For some of these children, there is a history of family violence in the background — often violence by the father against the mother.

That last point matters, so I will give it its own section.

Why it happens

There is no single cause. That is the first and most important thing a parent in this situation needs to hear. A child’s violence is not simply proof of bad parenting — even though that is the parent’s first thought, and often the first thought of those around them.

Research points to several factors that can intertwine:

• Experience of family violence. A child who has watched his father humiliate or hit his mother learns that this is how you get what you want in relationships — and that Mum is someone who need not be respected. What children take away from violence between their parents is something I describe in Domestic violence and children: what they see even when they are not in the room.
• Trauma and difficulties regulating emotions. Some children find it harder to calm down and, under stress, quickly switch to attack.
• Developmental difficulties and mental health conditions that need professional assessment and help.
• Alcohol and drug use, which lowers inhibitions and often brings financial extortion with it. I have written about how parents find themselves between guilt and boundaries when a child is addicted in When your child becomes addicted: parents between guilt and boundaries.
• A relational pattern that has gradually set in: the child has learned that an outburst gets results, and the parent that backing down avoids an outburst.

And yet: many children who grow up with all of these risks are never violent towards their parents. And some who had none of them are. Understanding the causes is not about finding someone to blame. It is about knowing what kind of help is needed.

The shame that silences parents

Whenever I talk with parents about difficulties with their children, the same feeling almost always comes up: that somewhere they got it wrong. With violence, this feeling grows so strong that the parent can no longer think clearly.

(a composite, not a real person)
“Is there anyone who knows what’s going on at home?”
“No. My husband thinks I’m exaggerating. I can’t tell my mum, she’d say I spoiled him.”
“And you? What do you think?”
“That it’s probably true. That I spoiled him. That I deserve it.”

“That I deserve it.” It is a sentence we often hear from victims of violence, whoever the abuser is. Parents experiencing violence from their children say it even more readily, because they really are responsible for the child. But responsibility for raising a child is not the same as guilt for the violence. Nobody deserves to be afraid in their own home.

Mothers are especially vulnerable here. They already carry the feeling that they are not doing enough — I write about this in Mother’s guilt: why the most devoted mothers are the ones who feel they do too little. When violence from their own child is added to that, guilt merges with shame. What shame does to a person and why it silences them so effectively is explained in the knowledge base under shame.

But silence has a price. As long as nobody knows what is happening, the parent has no support, and the child has no witness to show him that a line has been crossed. Secrecy protects the violence, not the family.

Two traps: giving in and hitting back

The Israeli psychologist Haim Omer, who developed the non-violent resistance approach for parents of children with violent behaviour, describes two traps parents most often fall into. Both are understandable. And both strengthen the violence.

The first trap is giving in. The child demands money, a phone, the car, a night out. The parent says no. The child starts shouting, threatening, smashing things. The parent gives in, because they want peace — and because they are afraid. Peace does come, but the child learns that pressure works. Next time the pressure will be stronger, and the parent will give in sooner.

The second trap is hitting back. A parent who has had enough starts responding in kind: shouting back, threatening, sometimes hitting. For a moment it seems they have regained control. In reality, the relationship has turned into a fight in which each wants the last word. With a teenager who is physically stronger, this path is also dangerous.

Most parents swing between the two. They give in until they can’t take it any more, then they explode, then they feel guilty and give in again. That is understandable too. And it is exhausting as well — I write about how it wears a parent down to be always available and never enough in Parental burnout: always available and never enough.

Non-violent resistance: presence instead of power

Omer’s approach of non-violent resistance grew precisely out of this insight. A parent cannot win a power struggle with a child who is prepared to go further. But they can step out of the struggle and offer presence instead of power: “I won’t defeat you. But I also won’t leave, and I won’t pretend any more that this is all right.”

The approach rests on a few principles:

• Strike while the iron is cold. You don’t negotiate or teach during an outburst. You respond later, when you are both calm.
• De-escalate yourself. You don’t respond with shouting, threats or lectures. Silence and a calm stance are often stronger than words.
• The announcement. At a calm moment you tell your child clearly that you will no longer accept violence and that you will do everything in your power to stop it — without violence.
• Break the secrecy. You involve people you trust: relatives, friends, the school. These people let the child know that they know and that they care.
• Gestures of reconciliation. At the same time you show your child that you love them: with small acts that are not a reward for good behaviour and come with no conditions.

Research on non-violent resistance, including a study by Weinblatt and Omer with a comparison group, has shown that after this kind of work parents feel less helpless and mutual escalation decreases. It is not a miracle method, and it does not work the same way in every family. But it gives the parent back something they had lost: the sense that they can do something without having to become violent.

It is also important to understand what the approach does not require. It does not require the parent to stay in danger. Presence does not mean standing in front of a child who is lashing out. It means not giving up on the relationship and on your role as a parent — even when you have to step away to safety for a moment.

Exercise: an announcement prepared in calm

The announcement is one of the best-known steps of non-violent resistance. It is not a threat and not a punishment. It is a message with which a parent tells their child that something has changed. The exercise is not meant for moments when you are in immediate danger — then you look after your safety first. But it is something you can start preparing today.

1. Write down the specific behaviours you will no longer accept. Not “because he’s impossible”, but “punching the door, insults, taking money from my purse”. Three or four things, not a long list.
2. Write the announcement in a few sentences. For example: “I love you and I am your father. I will no longer accept you hitting and insulting me. I won’t hit you and I won’t threaten you. But I will do everything in my power to make this stop. I will no longer keep quiet about it.” No threats of punishment, no reproaches about the past.
3. Choose a calm moment and read it out. Not after an argument and not during one. Read it — reading helps you not to drift into a lecture. Then leave the sheet with your child and walk away. Don’t wait for an answer and don’t get drawn into a discussion.
4. Tell at least one person. Choose someone you trust and whom your child would respect — an aunt, a grandfather, a family friend. Ask them to know what is happening and, if it makes sense, to let your child know themselves that they know.
5. Plan one small gesture of closeness. Their favourite meal, a question about the match, a message saying “thinking of you”. Not as a reward, but as a sign that the relationship remains, even if the violence cannot.

Parents often say the announcement seems too simple to change anything. Perhaps it won’t change the child overnight. But it changes the parent: from someone waiting for the next outburst into someone who has a plan.

Where this doesn’t apply

Because the subject is sensitive, I want to say clearly where what I have described does not fit.

When the child is defending themselves. Sometimes a child hits a parent because that parent is abusing them or the other parent. That is not child-to-parent violence in the sense of this piece. It is a child in a violent family who needs protection — and the adult who is abusive needs a different kind of intervention.

When the child is very young or has developmental difficulties. In a toddler, or a child with autism, ADHD or other developmental differences, aggression is often an expression of being overwhelmed, not an attempt at control. Safety still matters, but the response is different: professional assessment, work on regulation and support for the parents. A concept that helps here is co-regulation — a child calms down alongside an adult who is calm.

When the danger is acute. Non-violent resistance is not first aid when there are weapons, serious injuries or death threats. Then you need to call 113 (in Slovenia) and make sure everyone in the family is safe. The approach is long-term work, not an emergency measure.

When there is also violence between the parents. If one parent is abusing the other, joint work with the parents will not resolve it. Couples therapy is not an appropriate form of help where there is violence, because it exposes the victim to danger and spreads a responsibility that belongs to one person only.

When the child is already an adult. Violence by adult children towards their parents, especially ageing parents, has a different dynamic — often financial dependence and care that has turned into control. Other routes of help apply there, including legal ones.

And finally: this piece is not a tool for assessing how dangerous your situation is. It cannot do that and must not try. If you are afraid at home, that is reason enough to talk to someone who can assess it.

Where to find help

In Slovenia, violence between family members is covered by the Family Violence Prevention Act (Zakon o preprečevanju nasilja v družini), which also applies when the violence comes from a child. Possible routes:

• 113 (in Slovenia) — the police, when violence is happening or someone is in immediate danger.
• 112 (in Slovenia) — emergency medical help for injuries.
• The social work centre (center za socialno delo) — for family support, counselling and coordinating other services.
• Your child’s paediatrician or GP — for a referral to a child psychiatrist or clinical psychologist when your child’s mental health or development needs to be assessed.
• SOS helpline for women and children victims of violence: 080 11 55 (in Slovenia) — anonymous and free.
• Mental health crisis line (Klic v duševni stiski): 01 520 99 00 (in Slovenia, daily from 7 pm to 7 am) and Samaritan helpline (Samarijan): 116 123 (in Slovenia, 24 hours) — when you need to talk yourself.
• TOM helpline: 116 111 (in Slovenia) — for children and young people, including your child, if they need someone to talk to.

You can find more about these routes in Where to get help with abuse in Slovenia: a map for the first step.

Where does therapy fit? Once safety is in place, family therapy can help you understand how the pattern took shape in the family and support parents in making changes. In relational family therapy, the approach I am training in as a therapist in training under supervision, we also look at a child’s violence as a message about what is happening in the family at a deeper level — but the message never excuses the violence. How family therapy can open a conversation with a young person who has shut down is something I describe in When a teenager goes quiet: how family therapy opens the conversation. For setting clear limits, you can also use the tool sentences for setting boundaries.

What to remember

• A child’s violence towards a parent is a pattern of power, control and fear — not a single outburst or ordinary teenage anger.
• Mothers are the most frequent victims; parents stay silent out of shame and fear of harming their child.
• There is no single cause, and the violence is not simply proof of bad parenting. Responsibility for raising a child is not guilt for the violence.
• Giving in and hitting back both strengthen the violence; non-violent resistance offers a third way — presence, an announcement and breaking the silence.
• Safety comes first. In immediate danger, call 113 or 112 (in Slovenia).