Economic abuse: when money becomes control

“And what did you need another twenty euros for?”

The question is asked calmly, almost kindly, over dinner. She explains: for a present for a colleague who is retiring. He nods, asks for the receipt and puts it with the others he keeps in a drawer. He says nothing. The following week, the account he pays into “for the household” holds a little less than the month before. When she asks why, he explains that one simply has to be careful. She has no card for the joint account, because she would “lose it anyway”. The salary she had before they moved in together is only a memory.

There is no shouting anywhere in this story. No blow. But there is one person who needs permission for every purchase, and another who grants or withholds it. This is economic abuse — a form of control we overlook for the longest, because it hides behind words like “responsible” and “careful with money”.

Safety first

This post is not a test, and it is not a tool for judging how dangerous your situation is. Economic abuse is often intertwined with other forms of abuse, and how safe it is for you to change anything cannot be judged from a piece of writing. If you fear for your safety or your children’s safety, call the police on 113 or emergency services on 112 in Slovenia. To talk to people who work with abuse every day, there is the SOS helpline for women and children who are victims of violence, 080 11 55 in Slovenia. At night you can reach the Crisis Line on 01 520 99 00 in Slovenia (from 7 pm to 7 am), and round the clock the Samaritan helpline on 116 123 in Slovenia.

If your partner checks your phone, online banking or email, consider whether it is safe for this page to stay in your browser history.

When money becomes the reins

Economic abuse is repeated behaviour through which one person restricts another’s access to money, exploits them, or prevents them from supporting themselves. Slovenia’s Domestic Violence Prevention Act lists it as one of the forms of domestic violence, alongside physical, sexual and psychological violence. The Council of Europe’s Istanbul Convention, which Slovenia has ratified, also explicitly includes economic violence in its definition of domestic violence.

For a long time, researchers treated it as a side effect of other forms of abuse. That changed when they began measuring it systematically. When Judy Postmus and colleagues asked women who had sought help for intimate partner violence in 2012, the vast majority — more than nine in ten — reported economic abuse. So economic abuse is not a rare exception. It is often the quiet foundation on which everything else stands.

Why is money such an effective tool of control? Because dependence on money is very concrete. A person without their own income, access to an account or their documents finds it hard to leave — even when they want to. Many people who have lived in an abusive relationship name exactly this as one of the main reasons they stayed: where would they go, what would they pay with, how would they support the children.

Three forms you can recognise

Psychologist Adrienne Adams and colleagues developed a scale for measuring economic abuse and, in doing so, described three broad groups of behaviour. They help give shape to what feels like a series of small misunderstandings.

• Economic control — your partner decides about all the money, gives you “pocket money”, demands receipts for every purchase, won’t let you see the joint finances, or takes away your cards and documents.
• Economic exploitation — they spend your money without agreement, take out loans in your name, pressure you into acting as guarantor, don’t pay their share of the costs, leave you with debts. Legal scholar Angela Littwin introduced the term coerced debt for debts that arise under pressure from a partner.
• Employment sabotage — they forbid or discourage you from working, make trouble before important meetings, call you at work, fail to help with the children exactly when they should, or stop you from studying.

Not all three need to be present. For some people it is mainly control; for others it is debts they signed to keep the peace. What matters is not how many “points” match, but what has happened to your freedom over time.

Inequality or abuse?

In many couples one partner earns more than the other. In many, one looks after the bills because they are better at it or don’t mind. That in itself is not abuse. I have written about how unequal income affects power in a relationship, and how to talk about it, in Money and power in a couple: when one partner earns most.

The difference between inequality and abuse lies in three things. The first is choice: was the arrangement made together, and can you reopen it at any time? The second is transparency: do you know how much money you have, where it is and who is spending it? The third is fear: can you say “no to that” or “I’d like my own account” without being afraid of the consequences?

If the answer to all three is “yes”, you may have an unequal but fair arrangement. If the answer is “no” — and especially if even the thought of asking makes your stomach tighten — it is probably something else.

Why it stays hidden

Because it presents itself as care. “You’re no good with money.” “I’ll take care of everything, don’t you worry.” At first this can even sound like relief. Only over time does it become clear that care has turned into control, and relief into dependence.

Because money is a private matter. In Slovenia we talk about salaries and loans less than about many other things. So hardly anyone on the outside sees that someone has no card of their own, or has to ask for money for lunch.

Because it is intertwined with other forms of abuse. Economic abuse rarely stands alone. It is often accompanied by the humiliation, isolation and control I described in Emotional abuse: how to recognise it when there are no bruises. When someone has heard for long enough that they can’t cope and don’t know how, they begin to believe the dependence is justified. I described how these beliefs take root in a person’s self-image in Self-image after abuse: when you believe it was your fault.

Because it often begins gradually. People rarely lose access to money overnight. More often it is a path of small steps, each of which seems reasonable.

How it sounds from the inside

The conversation below is composed, not about a real person. It could take place between two sisters, when one tells the other something she has never told anyone.

“I could come to the seaside with you, but I have to ask Marko.”
“For permission?”
“No, no. For money. You know everything’s in his account.”
“Do you have your own card?”
“No. I don’t need one, he gives me what I need. It’s just … I always have to explain what it’s for. And then there’s silence for a day, two.”
“And your salary?”
“You know I’m not working any more. He said it wasn’t worth it, paying for childcare.”

Nothing in this conversation sounds dramatic. That is exactly what is typical. The sister listening can help simply by not rushing to give advice — and by not saying “why don’t you just leave him”, because the answer to that question is often right there in the conversation.

After separation and beyond the couple

Economic abuse does not necessarily end with separation. Sometimes that is when it truly shows: child maintenance that is late or never arrives, debts left in your name, court proceedings dragged out to wear you down, joint assets the other person tries to hide. Because money is one of the last ties that remain, someone who has controlled can go on using it for a long time.

Nor is it limited to partners. It can appear between adult children and ageing parents — when someone manages a parent’s pension without their consent, or pressures them to sign over property. It can also run the other way, when parents use money to control adult children. I have written about how thin the line between help and control can be in a family in Money as love and control: parents and adult children.

Exercise: your financial map

This exercise does not assess danger, and it does not mean you have to change anything. It only helps you see where you stand. Do it only if it is safe. If your partner checks your notes, phone or online banking, it is better to do it in conversation with a counsellor on the SOS helpline or at a social work centre.

1. List what you have access to. Which accounts are in your name? Which do you have a card for, or can see? Do you know the password for online banking?
2. Check what is in your name. Loans, guarantees, leases, phone contracts. In Slovenia, the SISBON system at the Bank of Slovenia lets you find out which loans and guarantees are registered in your name.
3. Find your documents. Where are your identity card, passport, health insurance card, your children’s birth certificates? Could you take them if you needed to?
4. Write down one thing you don’t know. For example, how much you have in savings or how much the loan is. Not so you ask straight away, but so you know where the blank spots are.
5. Tell one person. A friend, a sister, or 080 11 55. Simply having someone know gives you back some of the space the money closed off.

You can read more about fitting steps like these into a wider plan in A safety plan for abuse: what it is and how to put one together.

What helps

With economic abuse, help is often very practical. People need information about where they will live, how they will get money and what the children are entitled to. Social work centres can help with entitlements from public funds and with procedures involving children. For legal questions there is free legal aid, administered by the district courts. The SOS helpline and safe houses know how to tie all of this into a plan that also takes your safety into account.

Many people who have long been without money of their own feel awkward taking the first steps: they don’t know how to open an account, how much rent costs, or what a line on a payslip means. That is not a sign of incompetence. It is the result of years in which those decisions were taken away from them. The knowledge comes back faster than it seems — and with it the sense that you can manage.

Couples therapy is not an appropriate form of help when there is abuse — economic abuse included. Talking about money as a couple assumes that both can say openly what they want. When one controls the other, that is not possible: the one who depends on the other will weigh every word, knowing they may pay for it at home.

Individual therapy can help with what remains: with the shame of having “let it happen”, with the fear of making decisions about money, with setting boundaries again. I am a therapist in training under supervision in marriage and family therapy, and I am not a specialist in abuse. Therapy can therefore be only one part of the help — practical and safety support comes from services trained to provide it.

Where this does not apply

Not every financial hardship is abuse. When there isn’t enough money, both partners can be under pressure, both save and both argue about every euro. That is hard, but it is not control. The difference is whether you share the hardship or one of you uses it against the other.

Not every division of roles is abuse. If a couple decides together that one stays at home with the children and the other earns the income, that can be a good arrangement — provided both have full sight of the finances, the arrangement can be reopened at any time, and the partner without an income doesn’t need permission for their own needs.

Not every disagreement about money is manipulation. People have very different relationships with money — some save out of fear, others spend to soothe themselves. These styles can clash without anyone controlling anyone. The concept of violence in a relationship is not meant to describe every difference, but a pattern in which one person systematically restricts another.

And sometimes you recognise yourself as the one who controls. Perhaps out of your own fear of scarcity, perhaps because that is what you saw at home. Understanding where it comes from does not remove responsibility. But it can be the start of change — with professional help designed for exactly that.

What to remember

• Economic abuse is abuse — Slovenian law and the Istanbul Convention list it as a form of violence in its own right.
• It shows itself as control over money, exploitation and sabotage of work; often all together.
• Unequal income is not abuse — what matters is choice, transparency and fear.
• Money is often the reason leaving is so hard; that is why practical help matters as much as emotional support.
• You don’t need proof to talk to someone: the SOS helpline 080 11 55 in Slovenia, and in danger 112 or 113.