When a woman is the abuser: a subject we rarely hear about

“Who would believe me? She’s a head shorter than I am.”

A man we might imagine as Matej has said this sentence to himself countless times. When he covered a scratch on his neck in the bathroom. When he told a colleague that his smashed phone had fallen on the floor. When, after yet another evening of shouting, insults and threats that she would “take the child and make sure he never saw him again”, he slept in his car outside their block of flats. He did not lack the strength to defend himself. He lacked the words to even name what was happening to him.

When we talk about domestic violence, we almost always picture the same scene: the man inflicts, the woman suffers. That picture is no accident — it rests on real data and on decades of work done by women’s organisations. But it is not complete. In this post I write about a subject we rarely hear about: violence used by women — against a male partner, against a female partner, within the family. And about why we need to talk about it in a way that diminishes no other form of violence.

Right at the start: this post is not a tool you can use to assess on your own how dangerous your situation is. If you fear for yourself or your children, safety comes before reading. Helpline numbers are in the section “Where to find help” and at the end of the post.

Why we hardly ever talk about it

Violence used by women stays in the shadows for several reasons at once. The first is cultural: we expect men to be strong, to cope and not to complain. A man who says his partner hits or humiliates him risks ridicule — sometimes even from people who ought to help him. The second reason is that women’s violence often does not fit the image we have of violence. It is not necessarily physical, it does not always leave visible marks, and it can hide behind the role of a caring mother or an emotional partner.

The third reason is more delicate. When someone mentions women’s violence, it is sometimes used as a counter-argument — “women are violent too” — to downplay violence against women. That is why many professionals are cautious about the subject. I understand that caution. But silence has a price, and it is paid by people whom nobody believes.

I have written about how men often run out of words for inner distress and how it comes out differently in Depression in men: anger, withdrawal and silence instead of tears and Men and therapy: why they come later and what stops them. With violence this silence grows even stronger, because shame is added to it.

What the research shows

The US National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS), run by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, found that nearly one in ten men has experienced physical violence, sexual violence or stalking by an intimate partner during his lifetime and suffered consequences as a result — fear, injury, the need for help. Among women the figure is about one in four. So men are not a rare exception, even though they are affected less often and, as we will see, usually less severely.

There has long been heated debate in the field about how often women use physical aggression in intimate relationships. The British psychologist John Archer found in a large meta-analysis that in surveys about individual acts of physical aggression, women report using it as often as men or even slightly more often — but that men are considerably more likely to be the ones who injure their partner. So the number of blows does not tell the whole story. What matters is who is afraid of whom, who injures whom, and who holds the power in the relationship.

This debate was partly resolved when the sociologist Michael P. Johnson showed that under the shared name “intimate partner violence” we are really talking about different phenomena.

Johnson’s distinctions matter because they show that women can appear in all three roles. Most violence that women use against men falls under situational violence or violent resistance. But there are also women who systematically control, humiliate and intimidate their partner. The researchers Denise Hines and Emily Douglas devoted a study to exactly this question with men who had sought help, and showed that such a pattern exists, although it is less common.

What it looks like

Violence used by a woman can take every form we know from violence in general. But because we talk about it less, some forms more often go unnoticed.

• Emotional and psychological abuse: humiliation, mockery in front of others, constant criticism, threats of self-harm if the partner leaves, swinging between affection and rejection. There is more on how to recognise manipulation in the knowledge base.
• Physical violence: hitting, scratching, kicking, throwing objects, using objects as weapons. Where there is a difference in physical strength, a woman sometimes reaches for an object — which increases the danger.
• Control and isolation: checking the phone, banning contact with friends and the family of origin, control over money.
• Using children and institutions: threats that the partner will lose contact with the children, or threats of false reports. Research by Hines and colleagues with men who called a US helpline for men showed that threats like these are a common part of their experience.
• Sexual violence: coercion into sex or humiliation in sex. Among men this is almost entirely unspeakable, because it does not fit the idea that a man “always wants” sex.

The common thread is not the gender of the person using violence, but the pattern: one person in the relationship lives in fear, keeps adapting and gradually loses the sense that they are allowed an opinion of their own.

Why men stay silent

Men who experience violence from a female partner often describe similar barriers. Some are external, some lie within themselves.

The strongest of them is often shame. Not guilt — the feeling that I have done something wrong — but shame, the feeling that something is wrong with me. “What kind of man am I if I let this happen?” The difference matters, because guilt can be put right, while shame tells you that you yourself are the mistake. I wrote about this in Shame: the emotion that whispers “There is something wrong with me”, and the concept is explained in the knowledge base under shame.

(composite, not a real person)
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“What was I supposed to say? That I’m scared to go home? She’s the one who cries.”
“Who cries doesn’t tell you who’s afraid.”
“If I hit her back, I’m the abuser. So I don’t. I’d rather go out and wait in the car.”

A lot is captured in this short exchange. The man does not defend himself, because he knows that, given his strength, anyone would immediately see him as the abuser. And he is right not to want to defend himself with force. But that does not make his fear any less real.

When violence is a response to violence

Here we need to be very precise. When we talk about women who use violence in an intimate relationship, in many cases it turns out that they themselves are victims of violence from the same partner. A review of research by Suzanne Swan and colleagues showed that women’s violence towards male partners often occurs in the context of their own victimisation — as self-defence, as a response to long-term intimidation or as retaliation.

That does not make such violence acceptable. But it does mean it must not be equated with coercive control. A woman who, after years of humiliation, defends herself with her fists one evening is not in the same position as a man who has intimidated her for years. If we helped them both in the same way, we would do harm.

That is why professionals who work with violence first ask, in every story: who is afraid of whom? Who changes their behaviour to avoid an outburst? Who controls the money, the contacts, the decisions? The answers to these questions say far more than who struck the last blow.

Women who use violence elsewhere

Women’s violence is not limited to relationships with men. Research shows that violence also occurs in relationships between women. There it is especially invisible: those around often find it hard to believe that a woman could endanger another woman, there are few services that understand it, and the victim may fear that disclosure will harm the community she belongs to.

Women also use violence against children and against older family members — partly because in many families they are still the ones who do most of the caring. Care and violence can become intertwined here: exhaustion, overload and lack of support do not excuse violence, but they can explain why it happens where we would least expect it. Adults who grew up with a mother who was violent towards them often carry a particularly deep sense that it was all their fault. The post Self-image after abuse: when you believe it was your fault is about this.

In all these cases, the image of a woman as gentle, caring and harmless is what hides the violence. Not because women’s violence is different from other forms, but because we do not expect it.

Where this line of thinking ends

Because the subject is sensitive, I want to say clearly what this post does not claim.

It does not claim that men’s and women’s violence are equal in scale and consequences. Women are more often seriously injured, more often live in long-term fear and are the great majority of victims of intimate partner homicide, as data from the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime consistently show. Services specialising in helping women were created for a reason, and we need them.

It does not claim that every row is violence. In many couples ugly words are said, someone slams a door or shouts. That is not pleasant and deserves attention, but it is not the same as a pattern of fear and control. I wrote about which patterns in arguments signal that a relationship is falling apart in The Four Horsemen in relationships: Gottman’s predictors of a breakup.

It does not claim that a man who feels like a victim is always a victim. Some men who use violence present themselves as victims — sometimes because that is how they experience it, sometimes because it serves them. That is why assessing what is really happening in a relationship is a task for professionals, not for a single story.

And it does not claim that couples therapy is a good route. Regardless of who is using violence, couples therapy is not an appropriate form of help where there is violence. Joint sessions can put the person who is afraid in danger, because what they say in the room can become the reason for a new outburst at home.

Where to find help

If you are in immediate danger, call the police on 113 or 112 (in Slovenia). The police must take a report whether the victim is a man or a woman.

If you need to talk, the Samaritans line on 116 123 (in Slovenia) is available around the clock, and at night the crisis line Klic v duševni stiski on 01 520 99 00 (in Slovenia), from 19:00 to 07:00. You can also turn to your local social work centre, which deals with domestic violence regardless of the victim’s gender. For women and children experiencing violence — including in same-sex relationships — there is the SOS helpline for women and children victims of violence on 080 11 55 (in Slovenia).

How the path through the institutions works and what you can expect is described in Where to get help with abuse in Slovenia: a map for the first step.

Something that applies to everyone: keep evidence (photos of injuries, messages, dates), tell at least one person you trust, and tell your doctor the truth about how an injury happened. A medical report can matter later.

Exercise: what would you say to a friend?

This exercise is not a danger assessment. It is a way to look at your experience from the outside, because from the inside it is often blurred. Do it somewhere no one will disturb you, and keep what you write somewhere safe or destroy it afterwards.

1. Describe one recent event that made you uncomfortable, in the third person — as if it had happened to a friend. “When he came home, she…”
2. Underline the words you use to minimise it. “Just”, “a bit”, “it was nothing”, “she was tired”. What is left when you cross them out?
3. Ask yourself what you would say to a friend if he told you this story. Would you tell him to stop pretending? Or would you ask whether he is all right?
4. Notice what you feel in your body as you read the description. Relief that it has been said? Shame? Fear? All of this is information, not a verdict.
5. Choose one step for this week. A conversation with someone you trust, a call to one of the numbers above, or an appointment with your GP.

If, while doing the exercise, you feel you have admitted to yourself for the first time something you have long pushed away, that is a big step. You do not have to know straight away what you will do.

If you recognise yourself on the other side

This post may also be read by a woman who recognises herself as the one using violence — who shouts, hits, humiliates or threatens and then feels disgusted with herself. If that is your story, the fact that you are reading this matters. Recognising your own violence is hard and brave at the same time. What you can do when you recognise yourself as the one using violence is the subject of When you recognise yourself as the one who is violent.

If your violence is a response to violence you are experiencing yourself, you first need safety and support — the SOS helpline on 080 11 55 (in Slovenia) is there for you too.

As a therapist in training under supervision in marriage and family therapy, I am not a specialist in working with violence, and I do not replace the services that focus on it. Individual therapy can help later or alongside: when you are trying to understand why you stayed so long, why it was so awkward to speak up, or which patterns from your family of origin made humiliation feel familiar. In relational family therapy we do not look for someone to blame, but for the pattern that kept repeating — partly so that it does not repeat in your next relationship. I also work with English-speaking clients in Ljubljana.

What to remember

• Women can use violence too — against a male partner, a female partner, children or older relatives. Nearly one in ten men in a US survey had experienced intimate partner violence with lasting consequences.
• Not all violence is the same: the difference between coercive control, situational violence and violent resistance lies in power and fear, not in a single blow.
• Men stay silent about violence out of shame, fear of not being believed and concern for their children.
• This does not diminish violence against women, which is often more severe and more often lethal.
• Help in Slovenia: police 113 or 112, Samaritans 116 123, Klic v duševni stiski 01 520 99 00, your social work centre; couples therapy is not appropriate where there is violence.