Envy at work: the emotion nobody admits to out loud

“Nina is taking over the project. Congratulations!”

Your manager announces it at the Monday meeting, everyone claps, you too. As you pass Nina’s desk you say: “Well done, you really earned it.” And you almost mean it. But somewhere beneath your breastbone something tightens, something cold and sour. In the evening you catch yourself scrolling through her LinkedIn profile, looking for what she has that you don’t. The next day over coffee you mention in passing that “she’s always known how to be in the right place”. And then you feel ashamed.

This is envy. An emotion almost all of us know, yet almost nobody admits to out loud — often not even to themselves. In this post I want to show why envy at work is not a moral failing but a message. And how to read it before it turns into something that harms you and the relationships in your team.

An emotion we hide even from ourselves

Most emotions come with at least some social permission. We understand sadness, we sometimes excuse anger, we accept fear with compassion. But envy has had a bad reputation for millennia: it is one of the seven deadly sins, and in fairy tales it belongs to wicked stepmothers and stepsisters. So when we feel it, we are almost automatically ashamed — and shame pushes us to hide it.

We hide it in different ways. We dress it up as criticism (“she’s not that good, she just knows how to sell herself”), as cynicism (“only people with the right connections get promoted here”) or as exaggerated friendliness. Or we turn it on ourselves: “If I envy her, I must be a bad person.” None of these routes leads us to what envy is actually telling us.

It helps to first separate envy from its cousin. Jealousy is an emotion of three: you fear you will lose something you have — a relationship, affection, a place — because of a third person. Envy is an emotion of two: someone has something you want, and that hurts. I have written about jealousy between partners in Jealousy in a relationship: when it is a signal and when it is an old wound. At work the two often intertwine, but envy is the one we talk about less.

We compare ourselves because that’s how we’re made

In 1954 the psychologist Leon Festinger published a theory that still sits at the foundations of social psychology: social comparison theory. According to it, people have a strong need to evaluate their abilities and opinions. When there is no objective yardstick — and for most of the things that matter to us there isn’t — we compare ourselves with others. Preferably with those who are similar to us.

That makes the workplace an almost perfect laboratory for envy. We all do similar work, we are at a similar level, we report to the same manager. Opportunities, praise and promotions are scarce and visible. We don’t envy the star on a magazine cover; we envy the colleague at the next desk — precisely because she is similar enough that we could have been in her place.

Nor is envy just “in your head”. In 2009 Japanese researchers led by Hidehiko Takahashi published a brain-imaging study in the journal Science in which envy activated an area that is also involved in processing pain. So when we say that hearing about someone else’s good fortune hurt, it isn’t just a figure of speech.

Two kinds of envy: one that lifts you, one that drags others down

One of the most useful findings about envy comes from the Netherlands. Dutch has two different words for envy, and in 2009 the psychologist Niels van de Ven and his colleagues showed that this is not just a quirk of language. People described two experiences that differ in where they push you.

Benign envy hurts, but it directs energy upwards: “I’d like that too. How can I get there?” You start trying harder, learning, imitating. Malicious envy hurts just as much, but it directs energy downwards: “Why should she have that? How can I bring her down?” That is when gossip appears, belittling of other people’s achievements and a hidden pleasure when someone else fails.

What decides which kind of envy appears? In later studies van de Ven and his colleagues found that two judgements matter. The first is whether you feel the other person deserved their advantage. The second is whether you feel that what they have is within your reach too. When the answer is “yes”, envy is more often benign. When it is “no”, it tips towards malicious.

Another of their findings is surprising: in their research, benign envy spurred people to greater effort than admiration did. Admiration is more pleasant, but it leaves us where we are — the person we admire is somehow “not like us”. Benign envy hurts precisely because it says: this could be you.

What envy tells you about what you want

This is the heart of why I wanted to write this post. Envy is very precise. You don’t envy everyone everything. It may not move you in the slightest that a colleague bought a new car, yet your stomach knots when another colleague is given the floor at an important meeting.

That precision is information. Envy points to something you want but may not have allowed yourself to say. Often it isn’t about the thing itself, but about what it means: being seen, being trusted, having space, freedom or the right to rest.

The last line of the infographic matters. Sometimes envy points to a wish that is genuinely ours. Sometimes, though, it points to a wish we inherited: a yardstick for success set by our parents, or a comparison that began in childhood. If you grew up with sentences like “why can’t you be like your sister”, you may find “Why can’t you be like your sister?” Sibling comparison and how you see yourself worth reading.

Envy in the system: the office as a family

In marriage and family therapy we look at people through the systems they live in. A workplace is such a system — with roles, alliances and unwritten rules. And envy behaves in it much like rivalry between siblings.

Think about it: the manager is often in the role of a parent who hands out attention, praise and opportunities. There is never enough for everyone. When one person gets more, the others feel a loss — not only of the project, but of what the project meant: being seen, chosen, loved. It is no coincidence that envy at work hurts most those who had to compete for their parents’ limited attention at home.

Relational family therapy, in which I am training, emphasises that we bring old patterns of experience into new systems. When a colleague is praised, it may not only be the adult in you who wanted the same project speaking up, but also the child who once watched a brother get more room. The emotion is then bigger than the situation alone would justify — and that is a sign that something older is in play.

The organisation itself can also feed envy or soften it. Where promotion criteria are vague, praise handed out by favour and people set against each other, malicious envy thrives. Where the rules are transparent and the path to progress visible, envy is more often benign — because the second question, “is this within my reach?”, is easier to answer with “yes”. You can read more about how a team splits into camps in the post on office coalitions.

When you are the one being envied

Envy has another side that is talked about even less. In a 1999 review the psychologists Julie Exline and Marci Lobel described how heavily it weighs on people when they themselves are the target of envy. Many prefer to hide their success, play it down or even feel guilty about it, just so as not to put their relationships at risk.

Here is how a conversation at home after a promotion might sound (the conversation is composite and not about a real person):

“How did they take the news at work?”
“I don’t really know. Everyone congratulated me. But Tanja didn’t come for coffee with us today.”
“Maybe she was busy.”
“Maybe. Or maybe she’s angry. I almost went to tell her that I never even wanted the job.”
“And did you want it?”
“I did. And now I feel as if I stole it from her.”

If you recognise yourself in this, you may find When you move up faster than your friends: what it does to old relationships helpful. Here I will only say this: someone else’s envy is not your responsibility. You can be attentive, kind and modest — but you cannot give up your own wishes to make things easier for others.

Schadenfreude: envy that rejoices

Malicious envy often brings along another emotion, for which German has a fine word: Schadenfreude, pleasure at someone else’s misfortune. The same study by Takahashi and colleagues showed that people who envied someone more also showed a stronger response, when that person met with misfortune, in brain areas linked with reward.

So when you catch yourself secretly pleased that the colleague you envy made a mistake in her presentation, it isn’t proof that you are a bad person. It is proof that envy is doing its work. What matters is what you do with it: whether you rub it in, in the corridor in front of others — or stop and ask yourself what is really hurting.

The shame that comes with such a realisation is understandable, but not necessarily useful. It helps to separate shame from guilt: guilt says “I did something wrong”, shame says “there is something wrong with me”. Guilt can move you towards making amends; shame often just pushes you into hiding. I have written about the difference in Guilt and shame are not the same — and the difference matters.

With envy and schadenfreude, judgement doesn’t help; curiosity does. An emotion you are allowed to notice shifts more easily than one you have to hide.

Exercise: from envy to a wish

The next time you feel envy at work, take ten minutes and a sheet of paper. Ideally the same day.

1. Write down exactly what you envy. Not “she has everything”, but concretely: “that she got the project”, “that he can say no to the manager”.
2. Ask yourself what this thing means to you. If you had it, what would change? Would you be seen more? Would you have more freedom? Would you feel worth more?
3. Check both judgements. Do you feel the other person deserved it? Is it within your reach too? If the answer is “no”, write down why you think so.
4. Ask yourself whose wish this is. Is it really yours — or a yardstick you brought from home? Would you want it even if nobody else had it?
5. Choose one small step towards the wish. Not against the other person, but towards what you want: a conversation with your manager, signing up for a course, one “no” this week.

This exercise won’t make envy go away. But it changes its direction — from looking at the other person to looking at yourself.

When envy isn’t only your business

I want to be honest about the limits of what I have written.

Sometimes it is a real injustice. If a colleague is paid considerably more for the same work, if only those close to the manager get promoted, or if you are treated differently because of your gender, age or background, your feeling isn’t just envy. It is a perception of unfairness. Then working on yourself isn’t enough — it makes sense to talk to your manager or HR and, if necessary, turn to a trade union or legal help.

Sometimes the wish is out of reach. Some envy points not to a goal but to a loss: when you envy a colleague her health, the children you don’t have, or a youth that has passed. Then envy doesn’t need a plan, it needs room to grieve. Benign envy isn’t always possible — and that isn’t your failure.

Sometimes comparison becomes a way of life. If you constantly compare yourself with others, outside work too, and it exhausts you, you may find Comparing yourself on social media: what constant measuring does to the brain helpful. If envy goes hand in hand with long-lasting low mood, sleeplessness or a sense that you are worth nothing, see your GP. In acute distress you can call the mental distress helpline in Slovenia on 01 520 99 00 (every day from 7 pm to 7 am) or the Samaritans helpline in Slovenia on 116 123 (24 hours a day).

And finally: if envy leads you to actions that harm others — gossip, sabotage or humiliation — then it is no longer time to understand the emotion but to take responsibility for the behaviour. The feeling is always allowed. Not every action is.

If you work in English and would like to explore this in sessions, I also work with English-speaking clients, in person in Ljubljana.

What to remember

• Envy is the pain of someone having what you want — and at work, where we compare ourselves with people like us, it is almost unavoidable.
• Benign envy sends energy upwards, into effort; malicious envy sends it downwards, into diminishing the other person.
• Which one appears often depends on whether the advantage feels deserved and within your reach.
• Envy is a precise signpost to your wishes — it is worth checking whether they are really yours.
• When there is a real injustice behind envy, working on yourself isn’t enough; then you need to speak up.