Repair attempts: how to stop an argument before it gets out of hand

“Are we seriously talking about the dishes again?”

The sentence lands in the middle of an argument that has already lasted twenty minutes. Both voices are louder than they should be, and both people already know it isn’t about the dishes. Then one of them, almost against their will, adds with a half-smile: “I swear that plate is as old as our relationship.” For a moment there is silence. And then one of two things happens. The other smiles, breathes out and says: “Okay. Let’s start again.” Or they say: “That’s not funny,” and the argument rolls on, a little sharper than before.

That small moment — a joke trying to interrupt the spiral — has a name in relationship research: a repair attempt. And it seems to matter more to a couple’s future than most of the things we say during a fight. In this post I will explain what repair attempts are, why they are hardest to notice exactly when we need them most, and how they can be learned — both giving them and receiving them.

What a repair attempt is

The term repair attempt was introduced by the American psychologist John Gottman, who spent decades observing couples in his laboratory as they discussed topics they disagreed about. By his definition, a repair attempt is any word or action — silly or serious, spoken or not — that keeps negativity from escalating out of control during a conflict.

The attempt can be a joke. It can be a hand that touches a forearm. It can be the sentence “Hang on, I said that badly” or “I don’t think we’re understanding each other — what were you actually trying to tell me?”. It can be completely clumsy, as in the scene above. What matters is not the form but the message it carries: let’s stop before we hurt each other any more — we are still us.

It is important that a repair attempt is not the same as an apology after the argument, and not the same as reconciliation, which comes once the dust has settled. A repair attempt happens during the argument, while you are both still angry. It is a brake, not the clean-up after the crash. I wrote about how to apologise and forgive once the damage has already been done in How to apologise and how to forgive — yourself included.

Why they decide more than the argument itself

One of the most surprising findings of Gottman’s work is that happy and unhappy couples do not differ that much in whether they argue. Everyone argues. Nor do they differ much in how many harsh words they say. They differ in what happens once tension starts to rise.

In a study in which Gottman’s team followed 130 newlywed couples for six years, it turned out that stable and happy relationships were not distinguished by an absence of negativity, but by the couple’s ability to lower the tension during conflict and bring something positive into it — humour, tenderness, interest in the other. Couples who could not do this were more likely to split up, even though their arguments were no worse than anyone else’s at the start.

Gottman later wrote that the success or failure of repair attempts is one of the main factors from which you can tell whether a relationship will last or fall apart. Mistakes happen in every relationship all the time. What matters is whether the couple knows how to repair them.

This fits with something developmental psychologists have known for a long time. Edward Tronick, who studied the relationship between infants and mothers, showed that even very attuned mother–infant pairs are not perfectly in sync most of the time. Mismatch is normal. What builds security is the repeated experience that the rupture heals — that after a moment of misunderstanding we find each other again. Partnerships are no different.

What they look like in everyday life

Repair attempts are often so small that they are easy to miss — or they look like something else. Here are some forms couples use most often, frequently without knowing it:

• A joke or an exaggeration. “Fine, I admit it, I invented mess.” Humour breaks the tension because for a moment it reminds you both of a shared world where you laugh at the same things.
• Touch. A hand on the shoulder, fingers brushing as you pass each other. Sometimes the body says “I am not your enemy” faster than words can.
• Interruption. “Wait. Let’s start again.” Or: “We’ve drifted — this isn’t even what we wanted to talk about.”
• Granting part of the truth. “You’re right about that.” It doesn’t mean the other is right about everything, only that you hear them.
• Naming your own state. “I’m getting defensive and I can’t hear you properly any more.” Or: “This is getting too much for me.”
• A request. “Could you say that a bit more gently?” This is not an attack but directions for how to reach you.
• An expression of affection. “I know you’re trying.” “We’re on the same side, even if it doesn’t look like it right now.”

Some attempts are very clumsy. They come with an edge of sarcasm or in a tone that is still irritated. “Fine, fine, sorry for existing” sits somewhere on the line between an attack and an outstretched hand. And this is exactly where the trouble begins.

Why we miss them when we’re flooded

When an argument reaches a certain intensity, something happens in the body that Gottman calls emotional flooding. The heart beats faster, the muscles tense, breathing becomes shallow. The nervous system switches into defence. In this state attention narrows to the threat — the tone that sounded contemptuous, the word that stung — and almost nothing is left for what could calm us down.

That is why a flooded person often doesn’t register a repair attempt as an attempt at all. They hear the joke as mockery. They experience the touch as an intrusion. They take “wait, let’s start again” to mean “I don’t care about your feelings”. Not because they are ill-willed, but because at that moment the brain is tuned to look for threats, not invitations.

I wrote more about what happens in the body, and how to step back without abandoning your partner, in Taking a break during an argument: how to step away without walking out. Here I will only say this: when one of you is already flooded, even the most beautiful repair attempt may not work. At that point the only good attempt is often to stop for a while.

Patterns that build up in a couple over years also play an important part. If criticism and contempt — two of the Four Horsemen in relationships — are already frequent guests, repair attempts drown in the noise. Someone who has many times experienced that a “joke” was really a dig will hear even a sincere joke as a dig. In the knowledge base you can also read a short explanation of the four horsemen.

Friendship is what carries the attempt

Gottman noticed something else, too: whether a repair attempt is accepted depends less on how skilfully it is phrased and more on the general climate between the partners. When a couple nurtures fondness in everyday life, takes an interest in each other and turns towards each other, there is enough goodwill in reserve for even clumsy attempts to land. Gottman called this positive sentiment override — your partner reads your ambiguous behaviour in your favour.

When that reserve is empty, the opposite is true. A neutral sentence sounds like an attack, a kind sentence like manipulation. In such a relationship repair attempts don’t work, because they are never reparative in and of themselves. They work because they remind the couple of something that already exists.

That is why it isn’t enough for a couple to learn a few magic phrases. What happens between arguments matters just as much: whether you still laugh together, still tell each other about your day, still notice each other. A repair attempt is like a bridge — it only stands firm if there is solid ground on both banks.

How to accept a repair attempt

Repair attempts are usually discussed as though the problem were that we don’t make enough of them. In my experience the other part is often harder: accepting them. Accepting an attempt means putting down some of your anger before it has been heard. It means risking that the other will see it as defeat. It means showing that you are vulnerable.

Let’s look at what this can sound like. (The conversation is composite, not a real person.)

Nina: “You forgot to call the nursery again. Everything always stops with me.”
Marko: “I said I would. Stop checking up on me like I’m a child.”
Nina: “Because you act like …”
Marko (after a short pause, more quietly): “Wait. We’re both tired. I don’t want us to fight right now.”
Nina: “You could just make the call.”
Marko: “You’re right. I’ll ring first thing tomorrow morning. And … sorry about the child thing.”
Nina (breathing out): “I was harsh too. I just really feel like I’m carrying too much.”

In this short exchange Nina still rejects the first attempt — which is entirely human. But Marko doesn’t give up and doesn’t counter-attack. The second time he succeeds, because he grants her part of the truth. And Nina then accepts it: she breathes out, takes her share and says what really lies beneath the complaint. That last sentence is in fact her own repair attempt — it opens the way to a conversation about what is really weighing on them.

If you want to find it easier to accept repair attempts, a few things can help:

• Separate the attempt from the tone. Even if the sentence comes with an edge, ask yourself: is it trying to stop the spiral? If so, respond to the intention, not the tone.
• Don’t wait until you feel fully heard. Accepting an attempt doesn’t mean the topic is closed. It means you talk about it differently.
• Respond in a small way. No hug or long apology is needed. “Okay” or a short breath out and a smile is enough.
• If you can’t, say so. “I can see you’re trying, but I’m still too angry. Give me a few minutes.” That is acceptance too — just delayed.

In relational family therapy, in which I am training, we often see that accepting is especially hard for people who learned in their family of origin that softness is dangerous — that whoever gives in, loses. Then rejecting a repair attempt is not stubbornness but an old form of protection. Once both partners recognise this, they can talk about what really happens when one of them reaches out.

Exercise: your list of repair phrases

Repair attempts are easiest to learn when you don’t need them. When you are both calm, set aside half an hour and do the following:

1. Remember the last argument that ended well. What was the moment it turned? Who said or did what? Write it down as precisely as you can.
2. Each of you chooses three phrases or gestures you would like to hear or receive when you are angry. The infographic above can help. What matters is that they are sincere — if “thanks for staying” sounds foreign to you, don’t pick it.
3. Tell each other what makes things worse. Does a joke in the middle of an argument calm you or humiliate you? Does touch help, or is it too much? Couples often differ here, and without talking about it they unintentionally miss each other.
4. Agree on one shared signal. A word, gesture or phrase that means “let’s stop, I’m not your enemy”. Some couples pick something funny that makes them smile all on its own.
5. In your next argument, watch for just one thing: how many times either of you tried to repair — and what happened. Don’t judge, just count. Simply starting to notice attempts makes them more visible.

You can stick the list on the fridge or keep it on your phone. There is no shame in glancing at it in the heat of the moment. In fact, that is a repair attempt in itself.

If you want to link repair attempts with other skills, I also recommend How to argue with your partner: rules that actually work and From blame to needs: how a couple learns a new language, which shows how to find the need behind a complaint — often, putting that need into words is the most powerful repair attempt of all.

When repair is not enough

I want to be honest: repair attempts are not a miracle tool, and in some circumstances they are not the right answer at all.

When there is violence in the relationship. If you are afraid of your partner, if they humiliate you, threaten you, control you or are physically violent, the problem is not that you don’t know how to repair arguments. In such a relationship repair attempts often become part of the pattern: after an outburst comes tenderness that blurs what happened. Call the SOS helpline for women and children victims of violence on 080 11 55 (in Slovenia), and in danger 113 or 112 (in Slovenia).

When only one of you ever repairs. If you are the one who always gives in first, makes the joke, reaches out and apologises — even when you weren’t the one who hurt — that is no longer repair but accommodation. In the long run it leads to quiet resentment and a sense that your needs don’t matter. Repair is a two-way street.

When the repair attempt is a way of avoiding the topic. A joke that breaks the tension every time can also be a way of never getting to the heart of things. If the same argument keeps coming back, it may be time to talk about what lies underneath it — that is the subject of It is not about the dishes: what really lies underneath recurring arguments.

When the wound was too deep. After betrayal, infidelity or long-standing neglect, a single sentence in the middle of an argument cannot replace the process through which trust is slowly rebuilt. Repair attempts are for everyday cracks, not for major breaks. Those often call for help — for instance couples therapy, where you can also talk safely about the way you argue. I described how that works in How we argue safely in couples therapy.

Repair as a habit, not a skill

When couples first hear about repair attempts, they often understand them as a technique that has to be performed correctly. But repair is more like a habit than a skill. It is built in small moments: when, in the middle of tension, you remember that the person in front of you is someone you love; when you notice that the other tried and you acknowledge it; when after an argument you say “thank you for stopping me”.

Couples with a good relationship do not argue perfectly. They argue clumsily, they get things wrong, sometimes they say things they later regret. The difference is that they keep coming back to each other, again and again. Every accepted repair attempt is a small piece of evidence that the relationship can hold tension too — and over time that evidence adds up to a sense of safety.

What to remember

• A repair attempt is any word or gesture that tries to stop an argument from escalating — a joke, a touch, “wait, let’s start again”.
• Happy couples don’t argue less; during arguments they more often lower the tension and repair what has gone wrong.
• When we are flooded, attempts are hard to recognise; then the best attempt is often a break.
• Whether an attempt is accepted depends more on the friendship in the couple than on how skilful the words are.
• Repair has to go both ways; in the face of violence or deep wounds it is not enough and help is needed.