What a therapist must not do: boundaries, ethics and when to end the relationship at once

“I don’t know if I’m overreacting. He said we’re especially close and that we could go for coffee some time once therapy is over. That’s not a big deal, is it?”

People rarely ask questions like this out loud. Because they feel they are overreacting. Because they trust their therapist. Because this very relationship is the one in which they felt heard for the first time. And because the boundary the therapist has crossed was often crossed so slowly and so kindly that it is almost impossible to notice.

This is the fourth post in a series on ending therapy early. In the previous ones I wrote about why people leave, what happens when it’s too much and when it is right to leave. This post is about boundaries: what a therapist must not do, when you can end the relationship at once without having to clear anything up — and when and how a therapist may end it.

Why boundaries in therapy are so strict

The therapeutic relationship is not equal. You bring your most vulnerable stories; the therapist receives them without giving you the same in return. You are in distress; the therapist is in the role of the one who helps. You may have strong feelings towards your therapist — gratitude, attachment, idealisation, even infatuation — which are part of the therapeutic process and which I wrote about in the series on countertransference.

That is exactly why responsibility for boundaries lies entirely with the therapist. Not with you. If a therapist crosses a boundary, it does not matter whether you “wanted” it, whether you suggested it yourself, or whether it felt fine to you. Psychotherapists’ codes of ethics are united on this: the therapist is the one who must guard the boundaries, because they are the one with power. You will find a short explanation of the code in the knowledge base under code of ethics.

Research shows why. Back in the 1980s a group of researchers led by Jacqueline Bouhoutsos studied cases of sexual relationships between therapists and clients and found that these relationships harmed clients in about nine out of ten cases — with depression, distrust, worsening of the original difficulties and an inability ever to seek help again.

What a therapist must never do

Sexual or romantic contact. Not during therapy, and under most codes of ethics not after it either. This also includes hints, ambiguous remarks about your appearance, touch with a different meaning, and invitations “for coffee once therapy is over”. Such a relationship is never equal, because it began in a space where you were vulnerable.

Humiliation, insults, threats. A therapist may challenge you, disagree with you, point out a pattern you don’t see. But they must not mock you, call you names or threaten you — not even “in the name of honesty”.

Breaking confidentiality. What you say stays between you. The exceptions are narrow and known in advance: immediate danger to your life or the lives of others, abuse of a child, and a court order. I wrote about this in Confidentiality in therapy. If a therapist talks about you to acquaintances, publishes your story or shares it without your consent, that is a serious violation.

Dual relationships and exploitation. A therapist must not do business with you, ask you for favours, sell you products unrelated to therapy or employ you. They must not charge you for services you didn’t agree to. You will find a short explanation in the knowledge base under dual relationship.

Imposing religion, politics or values. A therapist has their own beliefs, but no right to use them as the yardstick for your life — for who you live with, how you love, what you believe.

Working under the influence or when unable to. A therapist who comes to a session drunk, or is clearly in such distress that they cannot be present, should not be working.

Pressure to stay. I wrote about this in the previous post: a therapist can tell you once that your leaving worries them, but must not hold you back with guilt, threats or hurt feelings.

How a boundary is crossed slowly

Violations rarely happen all at once. The psychiatrists Thomas Gutheil and Glen Gabbard distinguished between a boundary crossing — a small deviation that can even be helpful, such as a longer session in a crisis — and a boundary violation, which harms the client. They warned that violations are often preceded by a sequence of small crossings, each of which seems innocent on its own.

First the sessions get a little longer. Then the therapist starts talking about themselves, their problems, their loneliness. Then comes an evening message, “just to ask how you are”. Then a compliment on your appearance. Then a suggestion to meet somewhere else, “because the office is so formal”. Each step is small. And because each one goes only a little further than the last, it is hard to notice — especially if you trust your therapist and their attention is precious to you.

So it is worth watching the direction, not just a single act. If you notice the relationship slowly shifting from therapeutic to personal — and that it is mostly you, not the therapist, who notices —, that is a sign to talk about it, with the therapist or with someone else.

The grey zone: where it needs talking about

Some things are not violations in themselves, but depend on circumstances and on how you experience them.

Touch. Some therapists never touch clients; others offer a hand or a hug when parting. What matters is that touch is always offered and never imposed, that you can say no, and that you don’t feel guilty afterwards. If touch feels uncomfortable, say so — a good therapist will respect that without needing an explanation.

Gifts. A small gift at the end is usually fine. Large gifts, money, or gifts that create a sense of debt are not.

Social media and meeting outside. Most therapists don’t accept clients’ friend requests. If you meet in the street, the therapist will usually wait for you to greet them first — so you can decide whether you want anyone to know you are in therapy.

The therapist talks a lot about themselves. Brief, considered disclosure can help. But if sessions increasingly become a place where the therapist talks about their own life, and you start looking after them, the boundary has blurred. I wrote about this in Will your therapist tell you what they feel?.

With all grey zones one thing applies: the therapist’s response when you say something isn’t right tells you more than the act itself. A therapist who thanks you and adjusts is on the right track. A therapist who gets defensive, minimises or takes offence is not.

When a therapist may end the relationship

This part is often overlooked: a therapist can end the relationship too. Sometimes it is even their duty. Justified reasons include, for example:

• A conflict of interest — the therapist discovers they know you from another setting, or are in a relationship with someone close to you.
• Working beyond their competence — your difficulty needs different knowledge or collaboration with a doctor.
• Therapy isn’t helping — and the therapist believes someone else could help you better.
• The therapist’s own limits — illness, loss, a move, or countertransference they cannot get past despite supervision.
• Threats or violence towards the therapist.
• Prolonged non-payment — after prior warning and a conversation.

What matters, though, is how they do it. A therapist must not simply abandon a client — especially not in a crisis. A responsible ending means stating the reason, allowing at least one closing session, offering the names of other therapists and, in serious distress, making sure the client is not left alone. Such a conversation might sound like this (a composite, not a real person):

“I’ve found out something that affects our work. Your new colleague is a close friend of mine. I wouldn’t want that ever to make you think twice about what you say.”
“But I feel good working with you.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. So I suggest we have three more sessions so we can say goodbye properly, and I’ll give you the names of two colleagues I trust. If you like, I’ll help with the transition.”

Where to turn if a boundary was crossed

If a therapist has crossed a boundary, you have the right to say so — and to turn to someone with the power to act. In Slovenia the situation is in a transition period, so briefly:

Until 19 April 2027 you can turn to the ethics committee of the professional association the therapist belongs to. You may ask your therapist at any time which association that is — and you should get an answer without hesitation. Once the new law takes effect, complaints will go to the Chamber of Psychotherapists of Slovenia, which will keep the register and carry out professional oversight. I wrote more about the law in The new Psychotherapy Act. When it is a criminal offence, the right place is the police.

I know making a complaint isn’t easy. People often fear they won’t be believed, that they will have to repeat everything, that they will harm the therapist. All of these worries are understandable. You don’t have to act straight away. But it is good to know you have this option — and that you can first talk it over with another therapist who will help you understand what happened.

Exercise: was that a boundary?

If something in your relationship with your therapist unsettles you but you don’t know whether you are overreacting, answer these questions.

1. Could you tell someone else about it without shame or fear? If your therapist hints that “there’s no need to tell anyone”, that is a serious sign.
2. Who did it benefit — you or the therapist?
3. Could you have chosen differently without consequences? Could you have said no?
4. What happened when you said it wasn’t right for you? Did the therapist listen or get defensive?
5. What would you tell a friend who told you the same story?

If any of these questions gives you a knot in your stomach, listen to it. You don’t have to be sure enough to act. It is enough to know your feeling is not silly.

The limits of this post

I wouldn’t want this post to frighten anyone away from therapy. The great majority of therapists guard boundaries carefully, discuss them in supervision and know that their reliability is precisely what allows a client to open up. Most people in therapy never experience a violation.

Nor is every discomfort a violation. A therapist who challenges you, disagrees with you or tells you something you don’t want to hear has not crossed a boundary — they may be doing exactly what you came for. The difference is whether it happens for your benefit and whether you can talk about it.

But because violations happen quietly, and because people who experience them often wonder whether they are overreacting, I think it matters to put this clearly. You are not overreacting. You have the right to a therapy in which you are safe.

What to remember

• Responsibility for boundaries always lies with the therapist — even if the client took the initiative.
• Sexual contact with a therapist harmed clients in about nine out of ten cases.
• With sexual contact, humiliation, broken confidentiality or exploitation, you can leave at once.
• A therapist may end the relationship too — but responsibly: with a reason, a closing session and a referral.
• Until April 2027 complaints go to the association, then to the Chamber of Psychotherapists; a criminal offence is reported to the police.