You have everything, yet you are unhappy: the depression others don't understand

An evening on a terrace overlooking the sea. A glass of wine you haven’t even touched. The children are laughing in the pool, your partner is talking about plans for tomorrow. And you sit there feeling nothing. No sadness, no joy. Just heaviness — and a thought that returns every evening: what is wrong with me, when I have everything?

If you told someone, you would probably hear: “But you’ve got no reason to feel that way.” The sentence is meant as comfort. In reality it is often the hardest thing a person with depression can hear when, from the outside, they are living the life many people dream of.

In this post I write about depression in people who are successful, wealthy or in some other way “at the top” — and about why those around them so often fail to understand. And also about when it is time to seek help, and where.

“You’ve got no reason”

Depression is one of the most common illnesses in the world. The World Health Organization estimates that around 280 million people live with it. They include people of every profession and every income — including those who, seen from outside, lack nothing.

The belief that you need a “reason” for depression comes from confusing depression with sadness. Sadness is a response to something: a loss, a disappointment, an injustice. When the cause passes or we work through it, the sadness passes too. Depression is different. It is a state in which sleep, appetite, energy, concentration and the capacity for joy all change — sometimes after a heavy loss, sometimes without any obvious trigger at all. I wrote about the difference in more detail in Depression is not sadness: how to tell them apart and why it matters.

The development of depression is influenced by heredity, physical health, early experiences, stress, relationships and much else. Money can soften some of these factors. It cannot soften all of them. So the question “why are you depressed when you have everything?” is a bit like asking “why do you have diabetes when you have such a lovely house?” — a logic that sounds sensible at first glance but never actually touches health.

What research says about money and mood

Researchers have argued for decades about whether money makes people happy. In 2010 Daniel Kahneman and Angus Deaton, using data from American respondents, found that people’s evaluation of their lives keeps improving with income, while everyday emotional wellbeing stops rising above a certain income level. In 2021 Matthew Killingsworth published different results: in his data, wellbeing continued to improve at higher incomes as well.

In 2023 all three researchers joined forces to try to explain the discrepancy. They found that for most people wellbeing does rise with income. But in the least happy group of people it stops improving above a certain threshold. In other words: when unhappiness runs deep, money helps up to a point, and no further.

This finding will not surprise anyone who has lived through depression. Money can remove worries about bills and buy better medical care and more free time. What it cannot buy is a sense that life is meaningful, or a relationship in which someone truly sees you. I wrote more about this in When money solves everything except what hurts.

Shame about your own pain

In people who have a great deal, depression almost always brings a companion: shame. Not just shame at feeling bad, but shame at feeling bad when you ought to feel good. “How dare I be unhappy when others can barely get by?” This thought is often louder than the depression itself.

Researchers have studied this link closely. A meta-analysis by Sangmoo Kim, Ryan Thibodeau and Randall Jorgensen, which pooled more than a hundred studies, showed that shame is more strongly associated with depressive symptoms than guilt is. The difference matters: guilt says “I did something wrong”, shame says “I am wrong”. I wrote about why the difference matters in Guilt and shame are not the same — and the difference matters.

Shame has another consequence: it silences. Someone who is ashamed of their distress doesn’t talk about it. Not to friends, not to their partner, often not even to their doctor. And so depression stays hidden for months or years, while on the outside the person functions flawlessly.

When you function but don’t live

People who have achieved a lot are often exceptionally good at functioning. They can chair a meeting when they are in pain. They can smile when they would rather disappear. They can take the children to school, answer fifty emails and attend a charity event in the evening — all with the sense of being behind glass.

This is sometimes called “high-functioning depression”. It is not an official diagnosis, but it is a term many people recognise themselves in. I described it in High-functioning depression: when everything works outside and it is empty inside. In successful people this form is particularly insidious, because the ability to function and outward success are exactly what convince those around them (and the person themselves) that everything is fine.

One of the most characteristic signs is anhedonia — the loss of the ability to experience anything as pleasurable. The trip you planned for so long brings nothing. Food has no taste. An achievement that would once have delighted you passes without a trace. When almost everything is available to you, anhedonia is especially bewildering: every possibility is there, only the pleasure is gone.

Why others don’t understand

There are several reasons why people around a successful person often fail to see their depression. The first is simple: they don’t expect it. If someone always copes, people don’t imagine that they can’t any more. The second is that successful people are often the ones others turn to for help. The role of “the strong one” is not easy to put down — not for you, not for others.

The third reason is harder. Sometimes people don’t want to hear about a wealthy person’s distress because it reminds them of their own. “At least you’ve got money” is a sentence that often hides comparison, envy or weariness with one’s own worries. That is not malice. But it is why people with depression who have a lot so often end up alone.

A conversation like that might sound like this (composed, not a real person):

“I’ve been feeling bad lately. Really bad.”
“You? Come on. What have you got to be missing?”
“I don’t know. I’m not missing anything. That’s the worst part.”
“Maybe you need a holiday.”
“I’ve been on holiday. It was the same there.”
His friend laughs. “I wish I had your problems.”

The friend didn’t say it to hurt. But after a conversation like that, a person often decides not to talk about it again. I wrote about why well-meant advice doesn’t help with depression in “Just snap out of it”: why advice from loved ones does not help.

Success as armour

For some people success is also protection. Someone who learnt in childhood that they were loved when they were good, successful and no trouble will often achieve a great deal as an adult — but with a sense that their worth stands or falls with their achievements. The perfectionism that comes with this can drive success and at the same time be a source of constant tension.

When the goal is reached — the company sold, the career at its peak, the wealth secured — the armour remains, but there is no longer any need to wear it. And that is sometimes when what was underneath comes to light: exhaustion, sadness, the question of who I am when I no longer have anything to prove. In relational family therapy, in which I am training, we trace such patterns back into the family where they began — not to blame anyone, but to understand why the armour was needed.

The question of whether people see you or only your wealth is explored in When you are seen only for what you have.

Exercise: separating the reason from the state

This exercise is not a test for depression and does not replace an examination by a doctor. But it can help you take your distress seriously instead of dismissing it with “but I have no reason”.

1. For two weeks, write down three things every evening: how you slept, whether you had an appetite, and whether anything that day brought you even a little joy. No explanations, just a few words.
2. At the end of the two weeks, look back over your notes. Don’t ask yourself “do I have a reason?” but “what was my state on most days?”
3. Write down the sentence you most often say to yourself when you feel bad — for example, “stop feeling sorry for yourself”. Then write what you would say instead to a friend in the same position.
4. Choose one person you know will not compare or dismiss you, and tell them a single sentence: “I haven’t been well lately and I don’t know why.”
5. If most days were hard, make an appointment with your GP and show them your notes. That is the most reliable first step.

Simply writing your state down often makes it more real — and therefore less shameful. What is on paper is no longer just “in your head”.

Many people who do this exercise notice that their state has been worsening for longer than they admitted. That is no reason to panic. But it is a reason to stop putting off help.

When to see a doctor, and when to get help straight away

Depression is treatable. In milder forms psychotherapy is often enough; in moderate and more severe forms, a combination of psychotherapy and medication tends to be the most effective. I wrote about this in Antidepressants and therapy are not rivals. A diagnosis is made by a doctor — your GP or a psychiatrist — and it is right that the first step is often to them, as they can also rule out physical causes, such as thyroid disease.

When a psychiatrist matters more than a psychotherapist is described in When you need a psychiatrist first. In short: if depression lasts a long time, if you can no longer manage everyday things, or if thoughts of death appear, don’t wait.

If thoughts of death, or of doing something to yourself, appear, don’t rely on them passing by themselves. In Slovenia, call the mental distress helpline (Klic v duševni stiski) on 01 520 99 00 (every day from 7 pm to 7 am) or the Samaritan helpline (Zaupni telefon Samarijan) on 116 123 (24 hours a day). If you are in immediate danger, call 112. You don’t need a “good enough reason” to call.

Where this view falls short

I wouldn’t want this post to be read as a claim that every unhappiness in successful people is depression. It isn’t. Sometimes a person is unhappy because their life really is out of step with them: they are doing something that no longer interests them, living in a relationship that has emptied, or grieving something they have not named. These are real struggles, but they are not an illness, and pills will not solve them.

Nor is every depression psychological in nature. Some physical illnesses and medications can cause similar symptoms, which is why seeing a doctor matters. And finally: as a therapist in training in marriage and family therapy, I do not make diagnoses. My work is to help you understand what is happening in you and in your relationships — diagnosis and medication are a doctor’s responsibility.

There is one more limit. Outward success is not always just a façade. For many people work is a source of meaning and joy, and if depression appears, that does not mean everything they built was a mistake. Therapy is not there to convince you that you have lived wrongly.

How therapy can help

One of the first things therapy offers is a space where you don’t have to justify your distress. Where you won’t hear “but you have everything”, and where you don’t have to be the one who copes. For people used to carrying others, this is often a new experience.

In relational family therapy we also look more widely: how depression shows up in your relationships, what your family taught about weakness and help, who was allowed to be sad and who wasn’t. These patterns are often older than we are. If you want to look at how they reach back into earlier generations, there is a longer, 90-minute genogram session for that, A Look into the Past.

Sessions take place in person in Ljubljana, I also work in English, and everything you say remains confidential. As a therapist in training under supervision, I regularly discuss my work with a more experienced therapist — without revealing your identity.

What to remember

• Depression does not need a reason. It is a health condition, not a verdict on whether your life is good.
• Research shows that for the least happy people, money helps only up to a point — it does not buy closeness or meaning.
• Shame at struggling “for no reason” is often heavier than the struggle itself and is strongly linked to depression.
• Being able to function doesn’t mean everything is fine — high-functioning depression hides precisely behind success.
• If your state lasts longer than two weeks, see your GP; if you have thoughts of death, call 01 520 99 00, 116 123 or 112 in Slovenia.